51 days
51 days without alcohol. This would probably be the second longest stretch I've spent without drinking in my adult life, and only second by a week or so. It's the scary part now, the part where the memories of the last ****** time are fading, the part where I notice any time I hear the word "moderation" and wonder if I'm ready for that, the part where I feel like I one day might be READY for anything besides sobriety, the part where I feel like I might have control.
And yet, I'm doing OK. I've been really appreciating the extra time I've had. Not sleeping in late on Saturday or Sunday, not waking up hungover, actually getting to enjoy my weekends. And my weekdays. And my work days. It's nice, it feels healthy and I don't feel like I'm missing out. I'm trying to remember that I like my friends without having to drink with them and that if I DO have to drink to like them, well, are they really my friends?
I've heard people talk about getting protective about their sobriety and that's kind of how I feel right now. I LIKE the way I've felt. I get a pang of regret here and there, the oh-woe-is-me feeling, the why-can't-I-just-drink-like-a-f'in-normal-person feeling, but they pass quickly enough. And I'm learning to bail on situations (or not get into them) where I feel my sobriety is threatened. I've been semi-hermiting, but I've also been making more active plans where drinking doesn't make sense, like outdoor stuff. Funny, to think i would ever say there is a scenario where alcohol doesn't make sense when it used to ALWAYS make sense!
So I'm happy, I feel good and healthy, but I'm still nervous, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But, also I feel more ready than I have before, more like this time I can make it happen. Ugh, I just hate having such high expectations for myself and worrying what will happen if I let myself down again...