Thank you Sober (((((HUGGG)))))
I know it's all the feelings I've been burying coming to the surface. I just wish they wouldn't all show up at once, lol. I realize that I don't need to sit and analyze them. I just need to accept that they are happening and then do something constructive. For me, that's a run. Later, I'll write on my blog.
I find that being productive with my day helps. The sense of accomplishment does help a lot.
Another thing that came up was that I got a text from a gentleman I had a few dates with over the past few months. I never saw it going anywhere, so I slowly stopped contact. He contacted me Monday. We chatted a bit, nothing major and then he asked me out to dinner on Friday. I said no, because, again, no dating right now. I mean, early recovery is tough enough without adding a relationship. But also going through counseling to handle the past traumas and it's a recipe for disaster.
And then I got angry, so unbelievably angry. Angry that some stupid, horrible man is still taking things from my life, 4 years later. I know that is an irrational thought, but it was still how I felt. But I'm channeling that anger into positive outlets: recovery, counseling, running, and writing.
I guess these feelings are new: feeling sad and so angry. Angry that I feel as if I cannot function like "normal" people around me. I can't just go on a date, feel safe in my home, go to dinner. Every thing I do right now requires thought, plans, actions.
I should clarify: I'm not grieving the loss of alcohol. At all. I'm very much aware that I'm not grieving the loss of getting drunk because it's not a loss, it's a gain to be freeing myself from that. I'm finally grieving all I've lost these past few years and realizing the amount of work I'm undertaking to sift through the ashes and find myself again.
My counselor said it's a good sign that I'm feeling, that I'm directing them outward to where they belong instead of inward on myself. I did that for too long: blamed myself, took that anger and pushed it inward on myself. Now I'm directing it where it belongs: at a horrible person that stole my peace. But he lost. I'm finding it again and I'll be even stronger.
But right now, I just want to cry a lot. Maybe the tears will mix with sweat while I run.