I cannot even tell you how strongly the treatment I've been doing emphasizes mindfulness. It's a huge deal, and it's really hard for those of us who worry about everything. I, for one, am almost never here in the moment. I'm always wandering around in the past or the future or some hypothetical thing or wondering where my socks are. Alcohol always made me feel present at first because I felt so damn good I wanted to live right there in that moment forever. But of course as it got on, all my ruminating and obsessing got a million times worse. I've got to get to where the present feels good enough that I actually want to be there.
It's overcast here right now, about 11:30am. It's probably just fog, but it's hanging around pretty late today. It usually burns off by 10.
I just submitted my first blog post to that guy for review. I'm nervous, the subject matter was completely out of the realm of my knowledge. It was techy, website-building stuff. I did a lot of research, and I think I did an okay job, possibly, but it was so much harder and more stressful than I expected. I'm wondering if maybe now isn't such a good time to take on projects like this. I really want to do this, though. I just feel so damn fragile right now, makes me disappointed in myself.
Anyway, we had a friend over last night for dinner, and it was nice. He used to be one of my big drinking buddies, but he has slowed down (because apparently some people can "slow down"), and he didn't feel like drinking last night. So we had sparkling water with lemon, and everyone was happy. I was stressed out and tired from a busy day and that blog post, so I wasn't as cheerful as I would have liked, but the food was amazing, and the dudes did all the cooking. WIN!
Since the blog is now in blog guy's hands, and the rest of today's schedule includes a LifeRing meeting and a walk with my friend, I'm going to do my best to view those things as nurturing "me time" rather than obligations. I tend to look at everything, even good fun things, like "oh s*** I have to go somewhere and do something, it's going to be overwhelming! I just want to stay at home with the blinds closed and drink myself to the brink of death!" No, Briar, ease up on the fight or flight lizard brain action and try to enjoy these things. They are good. They are not trying to kill you.