i'd been in AA for about 5 months and i could not get hold of sobriety.
i woke up yet again not knowing what time of day or even what day it was. i woke up because i was vomiting in my bed. i didn't have the strength to move so i just found a dry patch and tried to sleep. i went through a day and night of severe withdrawals, culminating in going to the kitchen for water and just plain collapsing. my heart was beating out of my chest and i remember thinking well, are you happy now? you've finally drunk yourself to death'. i took a chance and a handful of pills (i hadn't taken my meds for around 3 days) and hoped the auditory hallucinations would quiet enough for me to get some sleep - i kept hearing people shouting in my living room, and loud knocks at the door - i was alone and nobody knew to check on me.
i woke up the next day and someone in AA got me to a meeting.
it was life or death for me. i chose to live (although i have days still where i wonder if i made the right choice) and at just a year sober the rewards are immeasurable.
i loved booze. it didn't love me back though. i had to get to a place having lost my job, my daughter who went to live with her dad, my husband and my home, where i had to say enough was enough. i live alone and was accountable to nobody except myself. i do it a day at a time, because i deserve to live.
we all do. please be well.