Thanks everyone. Your words mean a lot. To "courage2" you hit the nail on the head (no pun intended). And yes I've been beating myself up (as I should).
I have been really good at avoiding situations which is a common theme of advice (very good advice) that i learned from you all, here. The easy thing to do would be to blame others or the situation (something I did for years) but I only have myself to blame.
But that was yesterday and after I get through the sickness and fog of today, I will press on. I want it too bad (sobriety) to give up.