"can't live with it, can't live without it" really sums up where I'm at.
Yea Dee, you're right, I have been pretty passive about the whole thing. I think it's the result of deflation and not being at my wits end yet like I was the first time I quit. I'm not too sure what to about it at the moment. The past week my days have been going like this. I'll smoke sometime in the mid afternoon, lie down in a semi-coma for a few hours, sober up, do work or whatever, smoke again, more coma, then pass out vowing that I'll start doing something about my problem tomorrow. The next day I'll wake up at 8 saying something like "see how you feel later before committing", then at 12 I'll start saying "maybe today's not the day", then at 3 I walk into a smoke-filled apartment and I'm packing a bowl on autopilot.
It's insane. I'm done romanticizing it. I'm recognizing the situation for what it is. I now know and remember what stoned life is like. When I was clean, I'd see pictures of people's weed and them smoking on social media and look at them with jealousy. Now I look at them and see how stupid and immature it all is and how I'm better than that. Everyone proclaiming "it's 4/20, blaze it" yesterday made me kind of hate stoner culture. Yet here I am, feeling like I'm 15 again, and just needing to get around to quitting.
I saw a counselor again yesterday, and he gave me good insights. He compared not smoking to adopting a lifestyle of healthy eating. Like pizza, weed is a quick and temporary fix. One doesn't see the results of eating a salad instead immediately. I guess the only difference that I've learned from this whole thing, is that cheat days are impossible for me to have.
Anyways, thank you all for the meaningful posts and words of wisdom as always. I'm not disappearing or anything. God, it's just so damn hard sometimes. Not trying to have a pity party for myself, it's just honestly what I've been feeling.