Really great hearing from you, RT ! Sorry to hear you're having a tortured time right now. I can so relate to that feeling ! One thing I am accepting is that the " good old days, in the beginning " are long over and can never be recaptured -never. That's the fantasy hook for me -thinking that with a " break" somehow my tolerance will have dropped so low that it'll feel like the first time again, which of course, it NEVER DOES . It's a tough journey this addiction thing -If I knew then what I know now , what the pot trip would end up being, I'm sure I would never had started! Like you, I'm working on fully accepting that I can NOT moderate either -sooner or later , no matter how much I try to control it, it always ends up negatively affecting my life, my internal dialogue, my moods, my productivity, my complacency. I still don't like the fact that I can't moderate like most, but I have to accept it even though I don't like it. If I want to End my last chapters with the fullness of Life, and not end it in regret , I need to accept what is and be willing to be uncomfortable through the change. It's hard, RT, no doubt about it! I struggle harder on some days , but I so desperately want to move forward in my life and I have so many great opportunities ahead if I can just STAY clean. RT,you know when you were talking awhile back about feeling like you were missing out on something when you weren't smoking . Well, today I was thinking from the opposite end-what am I going to miss out on just because I couldn't or wouldn't end my relationship with pot ? Am I really willing to pay such a heavy price for a few minutes of pleasure followed by days of anxiety, worry, obsession , disappointment, and sadness?
And there's never a perfect time to quit. There'll always going be other things going on while staying quit. So, If not now, then when ? I know for me, I don't want to waste anymore days laying around , just being lazy and hazed out., full of negative thoughts and feelings. It seems so crazy now to continue this insanity. I' m staying off the crazy train -I've had more then enough of that roller coaster ride! I hope you jump back on the Sober Train with us soon . You've only been back out less than a month - don't let it take you over again and turn that into six months, man. You know you don't want to be a pothead anymore and you now, you ca't moderate , so in accepting those facts, it only leaves one other option . You've chosen to rescue yourself once and for all and set yourself free ! We're here for ya !!!