Yea hey everyone. Means a lot that you all are concerned how I'm doing, so I feel obligated to let you know.
As guessed, I have been smoking again. I'll give a brief timeline to help everyone understand where I stand better.
I relapsed on 3/26. Decided that I'd get the urge to smoke out of my system and smoke and all that bs. Felt guilty, but no different physically or mentally. Decided to keep trying to quit.
Fast forward 7 days later and I smoke again. Had a bad day (it wasn't actually that bad, but I convinced myself that it was) and since I'd felt fine all week, decided that I could handle it.
Fast forward 3 days later and I smoke again. Roommate had just gotten some and I was having a boring afternoon. This time, I felt super anxious as I burned out and came on here vowing to never smoke again.
Fast forward 2 days later and I smoke again. Same thing. Anxious and came on here vowing I was done.
Smoked again two days later. Didn't feel the anxiety, and decided I was fine as long as I wasn't smoking every day.
Smoked the next night. It was Friday. I had been feeling anxious, one of my friends had xanax, and so I took some with the intention of not smoking. Xanax put me in an "I don't care" mood so I smoked.
Fast forward to Sunday night. This is where it gets darker. It's been two days since I've smoked and now I want to again. Problem is that roommate has no weed left. I start having mild withdrawal symptoms, and yes I'm positive it was withdrawal. I got angry with my body. I started saying to it "wtf, can you not handle smoking weed half a dozen times over the course of 2 weeks without becoming dependent on it?" I knew I should have stopped then, but now that I'm at the point of having withdrawal, I said **** it. Went over to another friend's house and smoked.
It's been every day for the past week. I haven't started smoking before mid afternoon yet, but with how the rate of failed promises to myself have been going, it's probably only a matter of time.
I'm feeling pretty lost, I'm not going to lie. I know at this point, I've blown all the good work I did for myself and would have to quit all over again. I'm less than enthusiastic about this, because I wasn't enamored with the sober life or anything. I'm not terribly enamored with the pothead life either though. My productivity has gone down since smoking again, but my sleep and misophonia have been much better(probably because tolerance is still relatively low). Idk where to go. I know there's never a perfect time to quit, but idk if I could at the moment. 4/20's tomorrow, I have finals coming up (I know weed won't help me with them, but neither will a withdrawal), and then I'm going home to more pothead friends for a month.
I know what I did wrong in my quit. I know for sure now that I'm a weed addict who can't moderate. I don't know where I'm going.
I actually hate my brain. When I was sober, it romanticized all the times smoking and made me want to so bad. When I'm smoking, it romanticizes sober times and emphasizes all the drawbacks to weed. This probably sounds childish, but it isn't fair.
Anyways, I appreciate all the concern as always. I have my second counseling meeting tomorrow, so maybe I'll see how that goes. Take care everyone.