Thanks for your kind words, all of you.
I think part of what I'm grappling with is the realization that, when I was drinking, I tolerated the kind of relationship that would never be tolerated by me today, perhaps in part because it made me feel, subconsciously, more functional. Yes, I had issues, but they paled in comparison.
I thank the stars and the moon that I somehow ended up with my current partner, who is the antithesis of this abusive baboon. But I still feel a lot of shame that I allowed myself to be in that kind of relationship. I know a lot of that has to do with my childhood, but it still feels painful.