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Update on ex who wants to make amends: my instincts (and yours) were right

Old 04-16-2015, 07:32 PM
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Update on ex who wants to make amends: my instincts (and yours) were right

Thank you so much to those of you who offered advice about the ex who wanted to meet to make amends. I ended up emailing him with a version of what LBrain suggested: That I was glad to hear he was in recovery, that I appreciated him wanting to make amends, but that I did not need to meet and that I wished him the best.

Guess what? I got an excoriating email back from him about my selfishness and about how alone he feels right now and in need of support. Apparently, he got a DUI and has no family or friends who will help him (and by help, I imagine he might mean financial as well as emotional given the economics of our relationship in the past). A colleague who has worked the steps said that such a response suggest he may be in AA but he isn't "in it." Maybe he is there due to the DUI, who knows?

Needless to say, I deleted the email, with no plans to respond. But I'm left feeling sad and icky. I know that I should just count my blessings that I'm in such a different place now, but it is crazy how fast we can return to that place in the past that shadows us with shame and regret.
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Old 04-16-2015, 07:36 PM
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I'm sorry you're upset but I'm glad the guy's true colours were revealed matilda.

D
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Old 04-16-2015, 08:16 PM
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Good call, you definitely made the right choice. Glad you came back too and shared, it's good to know you didn't fall for his trick ams at safe,
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Old 04-16-2015, 08:33 PM
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This moment will pass and you will be better for it. People come in and then out of our lives and that perfectly ok.

Hopefully he got the message and will not contact you...
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Old 04-16-2015, 08:49 PM
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You can feel good about treating him with kindness and respect while stating your boundaries. Well handled - both times.

It sounds like he still has some distance to go in his own recovery.
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Old 04-16-2015, 08:50 PM
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Thanks for your kind words, all of you.

I think part of what I'm grappling with is the realization that, when I was drinking, I tolerated the kind of relationship that would never be tolerated by me today, perhaps in part because it made me feel, subconsciously, more functional. Yes, I had issues, but they paled in comparison.

I thank the stars and the moon that I somehow ended up with my current partner, who is the antithesis of this abusive baboon. But I still feel a lot of shame that I allowed myself to be in that kind of relationship. I know a lot of that has to do with my childhood, but it still feels painful.
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Old 04-16-2015, 10:56 PM
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Hey Matilda. Good for you. Self-preservation since stopping the drinking has been essential for being able to look at myself squarely and honestly. This is your process, life and experience. Good for you.
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Old 04-16-2015, 11:11 PM
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Good for you Matilda, you treated yourself with the respect you desreve! It might be worth putting a filter in his email address so that his messages don't come through?
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Old 04-16-2015, 11:36 PM
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(((Matilda)))
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Old 04-17-2015, 01:51 AM
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At least you found out all wasnt what it seemed sooner rather than later.
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Old 04-17-2015, 04:57 AM
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Sounds like you made the right decision. How many days sober are you now, it really does start to add up?
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Old 04-17-2015, 05:03 AM
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Matilda:

Do not feel shame because of the past. All those experiences made you the amazing person that you are now and they made you learn what to look for in a man and you have found it. Taught you what you want and what you deserve. I am so proud of you for dealing with the situation with grace and class.
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Old 04-17-2015, 05:36 AM
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People " around" AA - ones there for the wrong motives and/ or don't understand the steps- will respond like that.

I have a feeling that in your relationship with him he did a lot of blaming- pointing the finger at you. Which would lead me to believe that's why yer feeling the way ya do.

You have nothing to be shameful or regret. You didn't force a drink down his throat or cause him to get in the predicament he's in. That's all on his shoulders.
And ya can't cure him either. That's also on his shoulders.
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Old 04-17-2015, 07:02 AM
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HUGS - we're here for you.
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Old 04-17-2015, 07:08 AM
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Originally Posted by sva777 View Post
Sounds like you made the right decision. How many days sober are you now, it really does start to add up?
I had 5 months and then drank two beers (so stupid). I've lost count on where I am now, but probably somewhere around 40 days (how apropos given the recent holidays)

You are right: it definitely adds up!
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Old 04-17-2015, 07:12 AM
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Recriminations about the past are hurtful. Focus on today and your current partner and how far you have journeyed.
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Old 04-17-2015, 07:14 AM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
People " around" AA - ones there for the wrong motives and/ or don't understand the steps- will respond like that.

I have a feeling that in your relationship with him he did a lot of blaming- pointing the finger at you. Which would lead me to believe that's why yer feeling the way ya do.
My friend who has worked the steps said exactly the same thing. And you are absolutely right. When I broke up with him after finding out about his serial cheating, he blamed me (and when I refused to change my mind, he became violent).

I think part of what has this whole situation lingering for me is that I come from a family with terrible boundaries and my mother, I hate to say it, is rather cruel. But this morning, I woke up to see my lovely partner lying next to me. He is an amazing man. I remember when we first started dating, he overheard my mother say something hurtful to me. He quietly took her aside and said very calmly, "Mrs. X, I love your daughter very much. I don't want to hear you say something like that to her again." My mom was gobsmacked. And I was so moved--I never had felt like someone had my back. Funny enough, from that moment, my mom could not stop talking about what a fantastic person my partner is. No one (or very few) had drawn a boundary like that and she seemed to respect it.
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Old 04-17-2015, 07:19 AM
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Wow... does he have a single brother?
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Old 04-17-2015, 07:28 AM
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Originally Posted by ArtFriend View Post
Wow... does he have a single brother?
No, but I get that asked a lot
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Old 04-17-2015, 08:52 AM
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Recovery is hard enough without taking on the burdens of others.

You've been given great support and I'm proud of you for talking through the experience with us instead of bottling it up.

You got this!
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