So i'm proud to say...I'm entering my 101st consecutive sober day.
And the sad part is...I'm totally 100% despondent and down today. I attended the funeral of one of the first friends i made in the rooms of AA yesterday.
He was the same age as me...Born in 1981. He was 6 months sober and doing very well when i first met and started talking to him in AA.
One could say i was drawn to him. I wanted what he had.
Sadly in the long run...It was not meant to be for him. He fell into the trap of addiction once more...And his body simply couldn't take another trip in the *Wringer*
I took the day off work today...Because well...I don't know. I feel quite numb to this whole thing to be honest.
Seeing his brother and grandmother and father...Etc...All yesterday really brought it right back to the FRONT of my mind.
I easily could have been him...I was lucky not to have killed myself the last few times i *attempted* to drink.
Today i have the answer...I think. It's quite simply acceptance.
Acceptance to MYSELF that i am not a normal drinker. If i drink alcohol i put myself and others in harms way. Whether i intend to or not...Is not my choice.
I have lost control of my drinking. And that's all there is to it. If i want to remain sane and whole in this world...I can't drink.
Lord know i fought against accepting it for a long time...Years...But i realize now...It's simply not worth it.
I'm sure my friend didn't have an immediate death wish...He didn't think picking up the drink/drug would kill him this time.
But it did. And we had to put him in the ground as a result of it yesterday.
Rest in Peace my friend Paul. We'll miss you.