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Hi all,

Found this forum looking into resources for those living with alcoholic spouses, because I'm severely concerned about my wife, but also don't know if I'm interpreting the signs right.

We're recently married, though have been together for over 8 years and have lived together for nearly 5. My wife's always been a drinker since college (and so was I--it was college), but most people let that go after they pass 25 or so, right? We're almost thirty, and Friday night bingeing has become almost ritualistic. For the longest time, I didn't think it was anything to be concerned about. I never go over the recommended weekly limit for men (14/wk, I believe), and if I go over the recommended daily limit (5/day? I think? 4/day, maybe), it's maybe by 1 drink, one day a week. I rarely, if ever drink during the week, and then it'll be a beer with dinner and then I'm done.

My wife keeps pace with me on the weekends, but often I've noticed her drinking during the week, too, more than just one, sometimes every other evening. I get up early to work so I'm asleep before midnight every weeknight. She's started staying up much later regularly. She didn't used to do this. I don't know if or what or how much she's drinking after I go to bed, but on occasion I've woken up in the wee hours of the morning (2-4:30 AM) to find her asleep on the couch, sometimes with a half-finished drink on the coffee table. I was away recently, and got drunk texts from her, so she's clearly drinking alone, but when I asked her about those upon return, she didn't remember sending them.

She's had gastrointestinal problems for a long time. They've gotten worse recently. Her hangovers have gotten worse, it seems. Whenever I've hinted that maybe she overdid it, she either laughs it off or glares at me because I didn't have a hangover (I typically drink a full bottle of water between every drink--also, I know when to stop, and I work out regularly). I exercise at home almost every day, hit the gym twice a week, can repeatedly bench press 145, repeatedly squat body weight plus an additional 145, incline press 105, ~8 minute mile, etc. She has not done serious exercise for over a year at this point, I think, maybe 2, though she consistently expresses unhappiness with her physical condition. She's struggled with anxiety and depression, which she's on medication for, and as I understand it, she shouldn't be having alcohol with her meds at all. She insists she never takes them together, but the drug is in her system when she drinks.

I realize I am to blame for this situation, as I drink with her, and for the past years, I'm the one who's bought all the damn booze. I have nothing against social drinking, but this isn't healthy, for her or me, and I need to get a handle on this before I start to develop an alcohol problem. I buy good quality liquor, and I'm ready to pour all those bottles down the drain if that's what it takes.

I and members of our families are very concerned that her drinking is affecting her health and that it's increasing. I brought this up with her a couple of days ago when she decided she wanted to have a drink.

We haven't really spoken for about 48 hours at this point. She's been sleeping in the spare room.

I told her I was worried she was using alcohol as a crutch. She told me "If I were using it as a crutch, I would never be sober."

Once, it seemed like there might have been a bit of a thaw, but it became clear she wanted me to pretend like I never said anything. "If you're expecting a teary confession of the problem, you won't get it."

She's "so mad [she] could spit." And one more push will "make [her] want to become a drunk." "I'll do it. I have no qualms," she said.

Is this denial? She is very convincing, and she has me occasionally wondering if I'm wrong. I've done a lot of reading on the topic, and what I've seen in her seems like either a "functioning alcoholic," or an "almost alcoholic," a la Doyle and Nowinski. But I have no idea. Am I in the wrong here? Am I imagining things? What if this isn't an abnormal pattern? That can't be; it's not healthy.

I'm tired. I thought maybe this would calm down after we got married (foolish, I know). I just want some shred of the person I met years ago. There are so many things I want to do in our life together, but I just can't, with the condition she's in.

I'm sorry for the novel, but some of what I've read on this forum has been quite insightful, and I need to know if I'm even interpreting things correctly.