Alex, I don't think it's the brain that's evil. It's the disease that causes you to feel the guilt and shame. That's part of the hook. You drink and do something uncharacteristic, then the guilt follows and you go back to drinking. Alcoholism is a deadly disease as you have discovered. I had blackouts too, at the end of my drinking days and they were so scary. And, you are particularly vulnerable as a woman in a blackout. I'm glad you have stopped drinking and please know you will find lots of support here.