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I hate myself

Old 04-14-2015, 04:34 AM
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I hate myself

Where do I start? I'm 24 this year, with family history of alcoholic.

I do not drink everyday, usually once or twice a week. But most if the time when I drink I do always get too drunk and blackout not remembering what happened the night before. Not remembering what I did the night before that my friend usually have to filled me in what happened the night before. And always feeling like crap the next morning. Tried to go cold turkey 2 years back but after a few months I thought I could handle my drinks better so I continie drinking but again I keep experiencing blackouts.

I have been having blackouts even more recently. I slept with a guy that I only got to know for a week and we had unprotected sex. I only remembered part and pieces of that night and I'm fairly sure that I threw myself to him. He did not contact me at all and was always avoiding contacts with me after that night and I was hurt. Fast forward a month later, I got drunk and threw myself on him again.

I went for drinks with friends over this weekend and again I had a blackout episode. This time I hooked up with a friend in a stairway of some office blocks in the wee hours. We weren't having sex but we got to third base and only the next day I realized that there security cameras around. Right now I'm really paranoid that CCTV footage from that night will be leaked to the Internet. I live in a country where cyber law is very lenient. I'm afraid that people might recognize that it is me from the video.

I feel so ashamed of what I've done and what I've become. I've been feeling so depressed. I just hate myself.
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Old 04-14-2015, 04:45 AM
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Welcome to SR alexddy -

Drinking causes us pain, yet we continue to pick up - such is the madness of the disease. It will continue to get worse, as you know.

You can choose to stop the madness today, tho, by not drinking. SR is a great resource and full of support. We have ALL had our own version.

Congrats on taking the first step of reaching out by posting. You should feel good about that - somtimes it isn't easy to take that first step
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Old 04-14-2015, 04:56 AM
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We all have done things that we are ashamed of. We are not bad people but we do things under the influence that we would never do sober.

The problem is alcoholism is progressive it only gets worse. The more we drink the more things we do that cause us guilt and shame so we drink more to get rid of the guilt and shame.

I call this the death spiral and it only gets worse.

The only way to stop it is to stop drinking. We can choose a great life anytime we want it but this life has to be alcohol free.
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Old 04-14-2015, 05:38 AM
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Welcome to SR.

Originally Posted by alexddy View Post
I've been feeling so depressed.
You're drinking a depressant. Those results are predictable.

You regret things that you do when you drink. The solution to that problem is so obvious it would be impossible for you to unknow it.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!
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Old 04-14-2015, 05:51 AM
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Glad your here, Alex. As stated weve all done some pretty insane things we wouldn't have done had we not been drunk. Something good is there's nothing unique abut your actions or how you feel about yourself today. Most of us have had pretty insane actions while drunk. Woke up to terror and bewilderment- couldn't believe we did what we did the night before.
Then get drunk again.
The great fact is many here have been there. We'd still be there if we didn't decide we wanted to stop drinking and put in the footwork to do so.

I didn't read anywhere you mentioned you wanted to stop drinking.
Do you want to stop drinking?
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Old 04-14-2015, 06:01 AM
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Not every time I drank did something bad happen but every time something bad happened I'd been drinking.

I don't know how I didn't connect the dots but I simply refused to acknowledge that alcohol was at the heart of my problems
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Old 04-14-2015, 06:12 AM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
Glad your here, Alex.
Do you want to stop drinking?

Alex,


yep, btdt. all my worst moments have something to do with drinking and I ended up on camera too one time. I will regret that till the day I die. but that doesn't mean the whole world will see it. i was a little more concerned about police seeing it. and maybe a lawyer or two. apparently, never happened ( I waited for the knock on the door at first and it was day to day. now it's been years. I think I can start to breath now. I think you can worry about it hitting the web . . . when and if it does. Otherwise, relax. there is a lot of footage out there and everyone in the world has so much to select from so, I would say there is one chance in ten thousand anyone is going to care to watch what you did.

but really, i have found the most wonderful solution . . and I mean it just keeps paying dividends. I quit drinking. How about you quit drinking? I think you will then find that the most horrible things just seem to stop happening.
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Old 04-14-2015, 06:32 AM
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Dear all, thank you very much for your encouraging words. I have decided to stopped drinking. I haven't had a drink since that night which has been 3 days now. And I had gone to my first AA meeting yesterday. It was very inspiring listening to other people's story. I will be going for AA meeting again tomorrow.

It's just that this guilt that keep on creeping on me and that self hatred that I'm feeling right now. Feeling so depressed and ashamed for what I've done, not too sure if there is any underlying problem within me.Who are we when we're experiencing blackouts? Do we have any idea what were we doing? Is that the real us?
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Old 04-14-2015, 06:39 AM
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Originally Posted by alexddy View Post
Dear all, thank you very much for your encouraging words. I have decided to stopped drinking. I haven't had a drink since that night which has been 3 days now. And I had gone to my first AA meeting yesterday. It was very inspiring listening to other people's story. I will be going for AA meeting again tomorrow.

It's just that this guilt that keep on creeping on me and that self hatred that I'm feeling right now. Feeling so depressed and ashamed for what I've done, not too sure if there is any underlying problem within me.Who are we when we're experiencing blackouts? Do we have any idea when we were doing? Is that the real us?
no the drunk is not you. the drunk is drunkyou. the sober person is sober you. don't confuse the two. the only thing is while you are drinking and with the morning afters and all, you still have to answer for drunkyou. that was one of the main reasons I quit. I couldn't stand answering for drunk me anymmore. how can you answer for someone you don't even know. when you get sober and therefore sane, you dont have to be so ashamed because the madness just stops happening. we all have to forgive ourselves, otherwise we would all drown in shame. i am so very glad someone came up with the whole idea of forgiveness. Often though we forget that we don't just need to forgive others sometimes, we also need to forgive ourselves. It can often work as a get out of jail free card for our souls. it's really the only way many of us ever have a chance of ever feeling good about ourselves again -- ever. everyone screws up. we just screw up a lot worse when we are drinking. just put drunkyou in the rearview, stop wasting your emotional energy shaming yourself, hating yourself. about the only thing that does is make you feel so bad you are just going to want to drink to numb that pain. so stop that. and move on -- a new and better person.
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Old 04-14-2015, 07:04 AM
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Glad you are here Alex - Just know you are not alone in how you are feeling, many of us including myself have done things while drinking that I felt shame & regret over. We can't undo our past, so just move forwarding remembering where alcohol takes you. Be kind to yourself as you would a friend who was feeling as you are.
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Old 04-14-2015, 07:08 AM
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Originally Posted by alexddy View Post
.Who are we when we're experiencing blackouts? Do we have any idea what were we doing? Is that the real us?
It is not the real us - it is us under the influence of alcohol. No one really knows exactly what causes a blackout either, but we do know exactly how to prevent them.

The best medicine for the consequences of drinking is to not drink. Staying sober will prove to you and to others around you that you are serious about changing your life for the better. Nothing you can say or do will change what you've done, so worrying about it is really just a waste of your time. Focus that attention on ways to plan out your sober life and prevent those types of situations from ever happening again.
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Old 04-14-2015, 07:29 AM
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Originally Posted by alexddy View Post
Dear all, thank you very much for your encouraging words. I have decided to stopped drinking. I haven't had a drink since that night which has been 3 days now. And I had gone to my first AA meeting yesterday. It was very inspiring listening to other people's story. I will be going for AA meeting again tomorrow.

It's just that this guilt that keep on creeping on me and that self hatred that I'm feeling right now. Feeling so depressed and ashamed for what I've done, not too sure if there is any underlying problem within me.Who are we when we're experiencing blackouts? Do we have any idea what were we doing? Is that the real us?
Good on ya!!
There's great news,too!
The program of AA helped me get rid of all the remorse and guilt of my past and now my past is a very valuable possession.
It taught me I wasn't a bad man, just sick. Bad people don't have remorse over past actions. Sick people do.
It took T.I.M.E. and footwork( of working the program of AA ) for me to get to the point that I could love the man in my mirror, but it happened.
It will happen for you,too IF ya work for it!
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Old 04-14-2015, 07:47 AM
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The longer we stay sober the more the guilt and shame fades. When it does come back I tell myself and others, "I'm not that person anymore."
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Old 04-14-2015, 08:04 AM
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Welcome Alexddy its nice to meet you
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Old 04-14-2015, 08:07 AM
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Welcome! I used to hate myself too. Things really do get better.

Hang in there.
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Old 04-14-2015, 09:15 AM
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Welcome Alex. I've had a lot of struggles with deciphering between the drunk me and the sober me. Who is the real me?
And then family and friends, who are hurt by our drinking, tell us we are bad and terrible and selfish people.
The sober me has values and feelings.
The drunk me is just the drunk me that has no values and feelings and cares for no one. It is NOT the real me.
My values are important. My feelings are important. My loved ones are important. - So today i'm choosing the sober me.
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Old 04-14-2015, 09:51 AM
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I can't thank everyone for spending time to read my post. All your encouraging words means a lot to me.

The brain is evil at times. It overthinks and it makes us feel so guilty. I hope I could get over with this guilt and shame soon as its been eating me up so much.
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Old 04-14-2015, 10:30 AM
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Welcome to the family. When I was drinking, I woke up every morning hating myself. Now that I'm sober, I don't hate myself anymore.
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Old 04-14-2015, 10:42 AM
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Alex, I don't think it's the brain that's evil. It's the disease that causes you to feel the guilt and shame. That's part of the hook. You drink and do something uncharacteristic, then the guilt follows and you go back to drinking. Alcoholism is a deadly disease as you have discovered. I had blackouts too, at the end of my drinking days and they were so scary. And, you are particularly vulnerable as a woman in a blackout. I'm glad you have stopped drinking and please know you will find lots of support here.
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Old 04-14-2015, 02:18 PM
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Welcome Alex! Glad to hear you are taking control of your sobriety I know all about guilt and shame and blackouts. Funny how they go together? Give yourself time, your brain will quiet down and hopefully you will be able to work towards forgiving yourself. It starts with sobriety, so be happy that you've started that! Post often and stop by when you're feeling down; you will always find a sympathetic ear here
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