CodeJob

During marriage counseling last week, Mr. T tried to stick up for the content of my amends to my RAH. He said something like, "She is admitting to trying to fix and control you. She is trying to point out more recent events where she stopped or stayed out of it." My RAH dismissed my effort and my amends and then Mr. T replied that my amends seemed honest and described my RAH as more passive agressive.

That term 'passive aggressive' has been ringing through me for almost a week and yesterday it snapped into place. He has a passive aggressive personality. I am relieved to have a Header for what I've been living with in my marriage but I am sad as I know 'fixing' what used to be a diagnosis in the DSM is not realistic. So I talked to my sponsor this morning and she is laughing with me as I ordered 4 books on the subject and soon I'll be reading up.

Being a codie, I was so open to accepting 'the blame' and playing into his manipulations that I was not good enough for his love and attention. No wonder my marriage has gotten worse as I have gotten better. I am no longer engaging in the games. No wonder why he has withdrawn emotionally and sexually as I have gotten better. That is what passive aggressive people do. They withdraw to hurt those who love them and since I'm the spouse - I am the primary target.

When I describe myself as the cardboard wife, it is because he wants things to look normal, but he cannot handle the vulnerability of emotional intimacy or sexuality to make our marriage 'real.' Also I am the 'target'. How odd to see that at the end of my amends was this realization that it was not my fault. I was caught in this no-win marriage where whether I loved him or not, he would turn away from me. It had nothing to do with me at all. He is afraid to love and will sadly always turn away.

Just realizing this I knew why I over eat at night. I've been living in this toxic environment for two decades. An environment where love and attention is seriously hit or miss from my H. In fact when we would fight, I would get so upset I would get diarrhea and have to run to the bathroom it was so toxic. Sugar was my only sure thing. I looked at my body in the mirror this morning and had to laugh at my middle. It is like I've got a layer of fat protecting my weak part - my heart.

The truth will set you free.