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CodeJob Walks the Line

Old 02-12-2015, 10:33 AM
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CodeJob Walks the Line

Checking in. I read all of my step posts the other day. I am grateful.

I've realized as I mull over how to make an amends to my H that in our marriage, we have each taken turns stepping up and saving it. Maybe a few times it was the wrong thing to do. Maybe it was more of a function of codependency-habit-fear of abandonment for both of us. I always thought I would know what to do once I made my amends. I do not particularly have any clarity, but I am starting to feel at peace with either outcome.

RAH has a deadline to work on his intimacy issues. This came about from marital counseling last night. We are meeting with counselor again mid-March. He may act or not act. But I gave him the power. I am stepping back. I don't even think I'll mention it.

In the meantime I am mulling over my amends. I've decided to write it out. I don't think I will give it all to him written, but it will help me cover 20 years of my issues in a less disheveled way. I think I am going to arrange it under my failings with 1-2 examples of each. Codependency. Fear of abandonment. Criticism. Defensiveness. Contempt. Those might be some good subject headings.

In regards of my amends to my self, I am meditating, exercising and eating my way initially. My goal is fully well - mentally and physically. I seem to only manage one or the other. Last year was a strong start. I feel fairly hopeful about getting my whole self stitched into one. My DS made a comment the other day that I was really working hard. It surprised me that he noticed. It was sweet of him to speak up.

So I'm walking the line on Nine.
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Old 02-13-2015, 03:24 PM
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Unexpectedly I drafted an amends for RAH today. I am going to send it to my sponsor. We are going to try to get together next week. I actually got 20Y of being codependent down to 3 pages. However, I am not sure I will give him all of it in written form. I may split it and try to talk about some of it and then I can winnow it down further. I think I will set a timeline to be ready in the next month to speak with him. This allows marriage counseling and spring break to progress without any impact from my recovery.

As for my amends to me, my eating is stabilizing at night. After struggling in January, I have lost weight this month. I am meditating now on my inner child. I saw a few free guided videos and thought it might be a nice break to go inwards.
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Old 02-19-2015, 07:48 AM
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Update: I met with my sponsor yesterday. We spent just over an hour reviewing my amends draft to RAH. She had me read each section and we discussed it. It was very draining but good. We plan to meet up next Wed. to continue. I think then I'll be ready to re-draft it and break out what sections I want to give verbally and what I might put in a shorter written version.

Surprisingly she was not fully aware how long I had dealt with my H as a functional alcoholic. I guess I never really focused on all of those long building years, but the end run. She gave me a little gift which says, "attitude of gratitude.'

Driving home I saw an eagle fly over my car. I guess I am heading in the right direction.
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Old 02-19-2015, 08:25 PM
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Originally Posted by CodeJob View Post
I guess I am heading in the right direction.
I would say so.

Go, Girl, Go.
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Old 02-26-2015, 01:29 PM
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General Update: My sponsor's schedule required that we bump yesterday's meeting. I sort of want my amends to be over with my RAH, so I am dealing with impatience. Which is sort of funny that it took me almost 2 years to get to this point, so what is the rush?
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Old 03-09-2015, 11:31 AM
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Update: On Saturday afternoon I met with my sponsor. We went for a walk and caught up about the current place I am at. Then we sat and finished reviewing my Step 9 that I had written to my RAH.

When I finished, I was really worn out. She pointed out to me that again and again, I am ready to rebuild my marriage and I've done a lot of work and growing up. RAH has not grown at the same pace as me. She told me that he is not in a position to accept an amends from me. I was pretty devastated. I want this stuff out of my head. But I could see her wisdom in this and accepted that the true mature thing is to accept that this is where he is at.

So what we wound up doing is reworking the last 2 paragraphs as a statement for me to say in counseling. It states my needs in my marriage. They are not being met. That is Wednesday night.

I've been binging on cookies and sweets. I just am having a hard time working through this emotional process. I'm trying to get a handle on that over-eating. I've been increasing my exercise well and taking care of myself fairly well, but I definitely am trying to quell my emotional unease with sugar.
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Old 03-09-2015, 11:50 AM
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Congratulations on your courage to own up, face up and make up for your part in things.

Can't help but think that this could be a 7 page thread, if only you turned the focus back to your RAH and all the stuff he did.

Instead we see you met with a resounding silence.

Telling!!

Keep up the great work
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Old 03-12-2015, 03:03 PM
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I had set our marriage counseling session this Wednesday as an important event. My RAH was supposed to see a MD about his impotence. Yesterday morning he sent me a text that I would likely be too tired from my trip so he had rescheduled our counseling to 4/8. The impotence is just one piece of his emotional detachment issues. I am pretty sure he has not gone to the MD. Nothing is changing in our roommate life. I am disappointed but not particularly surprised to see him not deal - again.

Reading and re-reading that text, I really wanted to be mad that he would actually push all of this back. But he was right that I was exhausted by 7 PM last night. He should have asked me, but I think he knows the import I have on him getting a handle on his emotional issues. He sort of holds our future in his hands between his addiction and lack of intimacy, so what is a few more weeks?

We are leaving this weekend for a small spring break trip and returning home without our kid, so we will have some alone time to talk.

On the drive home, I think I am going to point out to him how I have been changing some of my responses and where I am at. Some comments he has made to me lately made me realize he anticipates my Codie trip outs to such an extent that he may not have noticed that they are not occurring or are quite stunted or I manage to stop right away when he points out I am tripping out. I think I might also review my continued failing at contempt and criticism when I communicate with him. I think this is as close to a Step 9 amends that I can get with him.

As for speaking up about how lonely I am in my marriage, I don't know if I feel safe talking about that outside of the counseling arena because I've stated that complaint many times and it is not heard. My truths are often dismissed by RAH. I don't think he sees the reality that I am close to separation. If our relationship is dead physically and he doesn't want to reconnect and rebuild, then I'd rather work on a new relationship where we parent our DS and are congenial friends since we have no family to rely on locally. We are going to need to work together even if we aren't together. So I will hopefully hold my tongue on my weariness and loneliness.

As for my amends to myself, I think I might write myself some letters. I often discover a lot when I write. Things just pour out.

Today I am a little down I wanted Step 9 to be an easy release and it seems a struggle to let go thus far.
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Old 03-20-2015, 06:20 AM
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I'm struggling with self forgiveness. I've gotten a lot of pieces but they feel like they are strewn around me and I don't know how to assemble them. I am definitely grateful for the current Deepakand Oprah meditation series on success. It is not about material success at all but more about creativity and self acceptance of mind and body. So I'm going to finish this 21 day program as part of my Step 9 work.

I did not talk to RAH on our drive home on Monday. He surprised me with sex over our trip. It had been many months since we had had sex. I nearly cried I was so desperate for touch. But now a few days later he is very irritated when I approach him even to spend time sitting with him. I'm so tired of rejection. His face winces with irritation and his tone of voice is impatient with me. I am going to sleep in the guest room and just see what unfolds. I am so lonely. I just don't know if this is relationship needs more sacrifice from either of us.
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Old 03-31-2015, 08:41 AM
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Update: I worked on Step 11 through Lent and my focus on Step 11 winds up on Easter Sunday. I will be winding up the three week free meditation series next week. It has been a very good series. Deepak Chopra had SMART as an acronym, but I cannot recall what the bulk of the letters are. But I found this one online and it is more encompassing anyway. Part of recovery is truly taking the lead on your own life and seeing that by being codependent, I gave my power away.

L - look & listen. create a vision listening to your body, mind & soul.
E - emotional bonding. avoid anger, fear, hostility.
A - awareness
D - DOING! My easiest piece.
E -Empowerment
R - Responsibility
S- synchronicity

I have also been focusing on eating 3-0-1. Three meals a day. No snacks. One day at a time.

So to wrap up this step I have decided to plan a self-forgiveness ritual. Once I get that worked out, I will return and sign off on this step and move into Step 10. I will have to be extra careful with Step 10 as I am struggling with self criticism and an ongoing habit of apologizing for LOTS of stuff I have no control over...

Deepak Chopra: 'Everybody Can Be a Great Leader' | Alternet
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Old 04-08-2015, 09:54 PM
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My RAH informed me he was done with counseling after today's session. He told me I could go solo if I wanted to. I knew this was coming. It made me sad, but I knew it was definitely time to speak up out how lonely I was. Not that I haven't before, but I get dismissed.

So I went and pulled out my step 9 amends work regarding my H and decided it was going to be said. I talked about it with my sponsor and she supported me. I reviewed all of the comments she made, cut it further as she had suggested. And I read it tonight in counseling. First off, my RAH closed up and did not hear it as an apology. He screwed his face up and kept looking away from me. However, this could be bc he cannot admit to the pain & distance his addiction has placed on our marriage. So his reaction proved that he was not far enough in his recovery. My sponsor was definitely accurate in her assessment.

Secondly, Mr T was not particularly pleased. He has always been pretty lukewarm on 12 step work so I wasn't surprised. He said he would prefer a warning that I would do such a thing. He could see why I did it there though. I apologized to him for not forewarning him. But hey, what else are you supposed to do in your final 50 minutes? I was not particularly sorry. He sort of helped bring me to this point - being able to calmly and carefully make an amends for how controlling I have been and speak up that living without emotional and physical intimacy is slowly killing me. Big day for me.

Surprisingly, Mr. T got my H to agree to individual therapy. For two sessions. He did schedule, and I will pray that he goes.

So my last part of this step is a ritual of self forgiveness. I did wrap up Step 11. Today I created a daily checklist for step 10. I will get busy on this last piece, so I can fully move into 10. I will try to leave RAH to his thoughts.
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Old 04-14-2015, 10:19 AM
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During marriage counseling last week, Mr. T tried to stick up for the content of my amends to my RAH. He said something like, "She is admitting to trying to fix and control you. She is trying to point out more recent events where she stopped or stayed out of it." My RAH dismissed my effort and my amends and then Mr. T replied that my amends seemed honest and described my RAH as more passive agressive.

That term 'passive aggressive' has been ringing through me for almost a week and yesterday it snapped into place. He has a passive aggressive personality. I am relieved to have a Header for what I've been living with in my marriage but I am sad as I know 'fixing' what used to be a diagnosis in the DSM is not realistic. So I talked to my sponsor this morning and she is laughing with me as I ordered 4 books on the subject and soon I'll be reading up.

Being a codie, I was so open to accepting 'the blame' and playing into his manipulations that I was not good enough for his love and attention. No wonder my marriage has gotten worse as I have gotten better. I am no longer engaging in the games. No wonder why he has withdrawn emotionally and sexually as I have gotten better. That is what passive aggressive people do. They withdraw to hurt those who love them and since I'm the spouse - I am the primary target.

When I describe myself as the cardboard wife, it is because he wants things to look normal, but he cannot handle the vulnerability of emotional intimacy or sexuality to make our marriage 'real.' Also I am the 'target'. How odd to see that at the end of my amends was this realization that it was not my fault. I was caught in this no-win marriage where whether I loved him or not, he would turn away from me. It had nothing to do with me at all. He is afraid to love and will sadly always turn away.

Just realizing this I knew why I over eat at night. I've been living in this toxic environment for two decades. An environment where love and attention is seriously hit or miss from my H. In fact when we would fight, I would get so upset I would get diarrhea and have to run to the bathroom it was so toxic. Sugar was my only sure thing. I looked at my body in the mirror this morning and had to laugh at my middle. It is like I've got a layer of fat protecting my weak part - my heart.

The truth will set you free.

Last edited by CodeJob; 04-14-2015 at 10:20 AM. Reason: wording
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Old 04-15-2015, 02:17 PM
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The truth does set us free.

I wish you strength on your journey, I went through something similar (my ex-husband is two years sober, he left me 1,5 years ago)

Life gets better when we finally examine it with both logic and our emotions,

I'm sure you are getting better day by day, I like to read your posts, they have helped me a lot.

Love,
Sabrina
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Old 04-20-2015, 10:02 AM
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Thanks Hawks and SabrinaQ for reading up here.

I've left a crumb trail and I appreciate you both commenting!
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