alexddy

Where do I start? I'm 24 this year, with family history of alcoholic.

I do not drink everyday, usually once or twice a week. But most if the time when I drink I do always get too drunk and blackout not remembering what happened the night before. Not remembering what I did the night before that my friend usually have to filled me in what happened the night before. And always feeling like crap the next morning. Tried to go cold turkey 2 years back but after a few months I thought I could handle my drinks better so I continie drinking but again I keep experiencing blackouts.

I have been having blackouts even more recently. I slept with a guy that I only got to know for a week and we had unprotected sex. I only remembered part and pieces of that night and I'm fairly sure that I threw myself to him. He did not contact me at all and was always avoiding contacts with me after that night and I was hurt. Fast forward a month later, I got drunk and threw myself on him again.

I went for drinks with friends over this weekend and again I had a blackout episode. This time I hooked up with a friend in a stairway of some office blocks in the wee hours. We weren't having sex but we got to third base and only the next day I realized that there security cameras around. Right now I'm really paranoid that CCTV footage from that night will be leaked to the Internet. I live in a country where cyber law is very lenient. I'm afraid that people might recognize that it is me from the video.

I feel so ashamed of what I've done and what I've become. I've been feeling so depressed. I just hate myself.