Hello everyone,
First of all just wanted to apologies for the way I behaved the last few times I was on here. I think somewhere along the way my brain finally bashed down on that self destruct button and I completely lost control of myself. I'm so glad I finally heeded the advice on here and got some help, my life was spiraling out of control so quickly I couldn't keep up and I was far to out of my mind to make any helpful decisions.
Not saying anything is so far cured. My wife hasn't come back and I feel very sad in the house all alone but I came out of the rehab centre yesterday morning after an 8 day stay and 5 day medically assisted detox. It was actually pretty good and a relief from the shambles my body turned into when trying to do it alone. It was definitely a lot different from the strapped to the bed image I had of a medical detox. I wish I could have stayed longer as they had a 28 day option but the place was just so expensive I couldn't afford any further time there.
Going to the doctors this morning to try and get a prescription for Antabuse which I think will help to lift the obsession a bit. When you know you simply can't do something you tend to not waste as much time thinking about it.....that's the hope anyway.
Got AA tonight and will be completing 90 in 90 over the next few months. I'm not a big AA person but I've given up worrying about what I want or what fits as non of that stuff worked and I think I'll end up dead if I follow my own plan for very much longer.
I finally admit that my life had become totally unmanageable which I don't think I ever believed before. I think I would have killed myself pretty soon without the intervention I got....not suicide or anything just choked or had a seizure or something along those lines.
My wife new I got out of detox yesterday and also knows that my boss has given me 2 weeks off. She turned up yesterday at the house un-announced for me to see my son. She managed to get into every room for a look around within the first 10 minutes. Also heard her check the fridge when I went to the toilet. I understand this and hope it is a sign that if I stay clean she will want to come back but for now just feels the need to see if I'm sticking to my word. I don't blame her, I've been something of a let down the last few months.
Anyway excuse my rambling but SR is the only friend I've really got at the minute. Day 10 sober today, taking nothing for granted and feel humbled in every way possible.
Have a good day all.