Thank you everyone. There is so much wisdom, and yes empathy, in this community.
As for the remark about taking ourselves apart and putting it all back together, that resonates with me so much. I've said so often over the past couple of years "Sometimes, I just wish I could turn myself inside out, shake it all off, and start fresh"
This is my chance to do just that.
One big change that has happened over the past few months is my openness to God. I find myself praying more, I find myself admitting I cannot do this alone, I find myself being more thankful. I will never jump back into full fledged religion. There are too many areas of organized religion that I cannot accept. However, I do accept the concept of God. I find peace with that.
One issue I have is being so isolated. I've been working from home for almost 3 years. I'm done with school. I don't have a vehicle currently. I've toyed around with the idea of going to church with my daughters, partly for the social outlet and also because I do like their new pastor. I find that I do better when I'm involved. I remember, while in school, during the last semester, we talked a lot about self-care. The professor said "Isolation is dangerous because it can lead to addiction, depression, and other problem behaviors" This has proven very true in my life. I need to build a life that doesn't only leave the bar as my social outlet.
Again, thank you everyone. This has really helped.