Thank you, Para. I know exactly where I went wrong. I should have reached out for help like I have in the past. Called a friend to talk, come on here to chat, etc. I decided not to.
Stupid as it is, I walked in the bar last night and the bartender mentioned she hadn't seen me in a while. I told her I was not drinking anymore because I have a problem with it. I then calmly sat down and ordered a beer. She just stared at me. I stared back. I wanted to sob. I chugged the beer instead. I didn't get drunk last night. I didn't make a fool of myself. I even had one person remark how quiet I was. I had nothing to say. So I left and came home.
I read so many stories here of people who've achieved sobriety. I read them a lot. I read them to know that people do get and stay sober. People do rebuild their lives. There is no reason that I cannot do the same.
I have so much to offer and I'm a scared, small woman. I am a writer. I have been asked by numerous people to write a book. I've had short stories published but know it's time to dive in and do this. I don't because I feel as if I have nothing to say. My sister said to continue to journal. My book is in there and I'll find it.
What is the saying? "That thing that never leaves you, that wakes you up, that makes your heart beat faster? That is your passion. Pursue it" For me, that is writing this book. I only stop myself because I feel as if I haven't achieved anything great enough to warrant writing about. I'm my own worst critic.
I'm scared. I won't lie. I'm scared that I'll never stop and wake up one day and realize I wasted my entire life. I'm the only one who can change that. I have the power to make my life better. There is NO reason it can't. It's just up to me wanting it badly enough.