TennantSmith

I was doing well. I had my plan. I had my weekend completely packed with fun activities. I had posted here.

And then I went out last night and drank. I left early because something clicked and I was sick of it all. I came home, slept, and woke up this morning tired but without a hangover. But I am ashamed.

In reality, not drinking isn't hard. It really isn't. I don't mean to downplay it. I only speak of myself. I don't get physical cravings or withdrawals that cause me to crave a drink to feel better. It's all mental. Every bit of it.

I got my daughters ready for prom. We had music playing, I even did my hair and makeup. I felt pretty. It was beautiful out and the day was perfect. We took off for pictures.

And the sadness hit. I watched my beautiful daughters posing with their dates and friends. I watched the other parents with their spouses, holding hands, laughing. I stood there alone. I was suddenly in the past and it hurt.

I never had prom. I joked and laughed about it. I had nothing resembling a normal teenage life. I was in survival mode the whole time. Dealing with abuse, poverty, being homeless. While most teens were preparing for graduation and prom, I was living in a small room at a homeless shelter with my mom.

I am so happy that my girls have the normal life. Prom, friends, being involved in activities, etc. But right now, it also serves to highlight how much I lacked and sometimes, I get pissed. Never at them, but at my own life.

So I drank. And I knew better. I read posts here, I paced around. I sat alone for a bit, thinking things over. I worked to talk myself out of it. I felt the familiar sadness that comes when I know I am going to drink. I played through the whole familiar scenario: drink, not have fun, come home alone, wake up full of shame.

I drank anyway because I'm stupid.

I'm making more progress with myself now than ever. Yet, about once a week or so, I get tired of dealing with it all and I drink. And it never helps. I know this before I start. I know this!!

I'm not going to go out and drink again. Something happened last night that hasn't happened before. It was almost as if I was outside of myself, watching. And I realized how much sadder the alcohol made me. I saw all of my goals and plans being wiped away if I continue. I am going to run a half marathon. I'm going to get in shape, inside and out. I have absolutely everything in place that I need to do this. I just have to do it.

The one thing that always goes through my head is this: "People experience pain every day. People lose things. People get upset. Angry. Sad. But not everyone drinks or uses to deal with it"

I'm sorry if I'm a broken record. I'm not trying to be. I also don't want to be a liar on here.

There was one point when I was at the bar, I had been there about an hour. I almost left. I knew then I didn't want to be there. But I stayed. At one point, my other daughter and her two friends stopped in to talk to my friend about a babysitting job. I was drinking water at that point. That's when I almost left. It hit me, as I watched them leave to go to their friends house, there is more life out there than inside the bar. A whole huge beautiful life.

What in the world is it going to take for me to feel as if I deserve it?

I feel like a failure every single day. I graduated college and haven't found a job. I don't have a car. I'm single. Every single bit of this is due to my drinking.

I have a lot of work to do. I have all of the time in the world to do it. By not drinking every day, I get to know myself sober more than not. I'm not that horrible of a person. I see glimpses of what I am capable of. I have to stop making excuses.

I called an A.A. group and explained I don't have a car. The meeting is so far away, there are no rides available. So I utilize other recovery methods: SMART, SR, I ordered Under the Influence because I've heard such good things about it. I'm getting into counseling once school is out so that I have more access to my daughters' car.

I'm not letting last night ruin the progress I've been making. But I am also going to recognize that I'm not perfect and need to do more work. As I wrote in a previous post, when I drink, I don't allow myself to heal the way I should. Instead I cause the hurts to fester.

I failed. I'm sorry.