Hello Again
Hello again Sober Recovery,
This is the most sober I have ever posted on here. If you look at my past posts you can see my list of feeble attempts, starting back in 2011. I come today, though, already clean and sober since March 1st. This is the longest I have been sober in 8 years. I have a sordid history of substance abuse starting at age 15, periodic spurts of sobriety and at 22 I began abusing alcohol. That is the one that really grabbed me, and held on. I'm not really here to ask for advice, only to share my thoughts and feelings with those who understand. In my previous attempts I did it because I felt I had too, now I am doing it because I want to.
The clarity that comes with sobriety is painful. I don't mind being honest about my problem, whether it be simply stating I don't drink, or even saying "I'm an alcoholic". It is who I am. I wear my scarlet letter, not with pride, but with the onus of a man who understands his weakness. Sometimes it hurts, makes you feel alienated. My family enjoys partaking in drink on special occasions, Easter festivities were particularly painful. Watching them all laugh and drink their mixed drinks. I laughed too, I even felt jovial, but deep inside I felt alone.
A month in the triggers and mental turmoil are worse than the beginning. I landed this FANTASTIC new job, but the way home passes several of the old bars and strip joints I used to frequent. Its so hard to say never again. But inside I know that's how it has to be. My mind keeps telling me just grab a six pack, you drank liquor by the quart, that wont even phase you. The lies we tell ourselves.
The worst part is not feeling but KNOWING that no one around you gets it. I know you all understand this all too well. How quickly we forget how alcohol made us forget where we set something only a moment ago, or how we woke up feeling like we hadn't slept. The body aches from dehydration, the acid reflux, the wasted money, the feeling of disconnection from our families, the damage our body has taken. No. We remember how good we felt, the grand memories of awesome parties, or nights at the bar-- and we have to let that part of ourselves go. It doesn't matter how much you know it is time, you have to let it go, let that piece of yourself go. Addiction is like a bad relationship, and this phase feels like that part where you just want to call her back for one last romp, but you've been down that road and you know it just ends in tears.
I'm sorry for the long post, but I just needed to get that out there. Thanks.
-Dustin