LadyOwl

Hi everyone. I’d like to introduce myself with this first post and lean on you all for some support, if that’s OK. There is a long line of addiction in my family, but it really broke open in March, and I’m navigating some swampy waters.

First let me back up. Two years ago, my mom and I had an argument on the phone that ended with her hanging up on me. We’ve had similar arguments during which I try and suggest crunchy-granola ways she might help some of her health problems (like colitis) with acupuncture, dietary changes, etc. She never wants to hear any of it, ever. I’m the baby in the family, and I think she especially can’t cope with the fact that I’m an adult now, with thoughts and feelings and opinions that don’t match hers. She cuts people out all the time, but I never thought she’d do it to me. I didn’t think it was any kind of epic fight, but she blocked my emails, refused to respond to letters, and even went so far as to email me to tell me she wouldn’t open a letter I sent because she was going through a tough time and "didn’t need more adversity" in her life.” Not talking to her weighed heavily on me—lots of feelings of abandonment, rejection, confusion, anger, especially because I had a bit of a similar situation with my dad before he died. He was an addict and alcoholic, the extent of which I didn’t really know about until after he died (when I was in college, many years ago).

I did talk to my mom once last year when she was in the hospital, but not the second time. My sister and I have had arguments about the issue, the last one in January being so bad that I really didn’t want to talk to her either. She’s the golden daughter who goes home to visit regularly but goes off the radar and keeps people out of her life (she thinks being involved with your family means visiting, and I counter that there are other ways to be supportive and show up). I give her space to be who she is, but she was very hurtful during our last argument so I have been keeping her at arm’s length.

On March 7, my family found out that my mom had been in the ICU since March 2 because her neighbor found her on her bedroom floor (after noticing the mail was piling up). My mom probably fell and had a mild heart attack; it’s possible that she was on the floor for at least a day, probably two. She had enough alcohol in her system that they had to detox her in the ICU, and after being in the hospital almost two weeks she had to go to a facility for physical therapy. They also found evidence of an older stroke.

When my sister told me what happened, I made the mistake of mentioning that I had a freelance deadline on March 13 and might need to wait before going to visit my mom, and that because she hadn’t talked to me in two years the situation was difficult. She screamed at me and said that I had to “be a daughter” and go. The punch line to that fight is that I went to visit my mom for a week as soon as I could, and yet my sister is going for just four days when my mom is released next week.

I told myself that I was going to visit my mom to support her, to help her get better (not hash out why she cut me out), but because of her general angry nature (alcoholism plus probably narcissist personality disorder stuff, persecution complex, middle-child syndrome, etc.) and some alcohol-related dementia, she was verbally abusive most of the time I was there. We had some good talks about family memories, her grandparents, stuff like that, but she also called me multiple times and screamed at me because I wouldn’t give her money, because I was controlling her life by keeping her at the facility (which, by the way, wasn’t rehab for alcohol, just rehab for physical therapy), etc. After the last phone conversation, which was terrible, I decided that I’m done with her toxic sh** and am essentially going no contact. She left me one or two more messages after that but I think has figured out that I’m not calling her back.

I went to one ACoA meeting this week (not sure if it’s for me), and I feel like I’m having sort of a backward chronology in terms of growing up with family alcoholism but only facing it now, long after I’ve been out of the house. I knew my mom drank but had no idea it was this bad and have gone through so many cycles of “I should have done something to stop it” (intellectually I know I couldn’t, but that gut feeling won’t go away), “I’m so angry at her,” “she can rot for all I care,” etc.

The verbal abuse, especially when I stopped everything in my life and went to see her (after she cut me out for two years) and have been busting my ass with logistics in terms of her care going forward (care manager, caregiver, lawyer, financial advisor, etc., etc.), has pushed me over the edge. My sister is taking her home on April 11 and I swear that date can’t come fast enough. I had to put my credit card down for a lot of stuff for her healthcare, and every day brings a new flurry of texts and emails and phone calls about her situation. She has created such a mess, literal and emotional.

Except for my cousin, who is like a sister to me, the rest of my family is in various states of denial about the severity of the situation and my mom’s alcoholism and behavior. Sometimes I feel like I’m talking to aliens. I had to tell my one aunt that, no, my mom couldn’t have just one glass of wine at some point in the future. That if she did she would f**k up her brain exponentially more.

I’ve got quite a lot of the traits from the laundry list. I never knew that’s what they were before. I think the thing I’m struggling most with right now is how to set boundaries and stop caring about what the family of origin thinks of me. I’m sure the heaps of guilt are coming when they figure out I’m not talking to my mom, but I’m doing everything I can to take care of myself. I am so emotionally exhausted.

This post is gigantic, so thanks for listening. I’ve been reading threads around here and feeling supported, even just by lurking. Thank you!