Big hugs, cherra. I'm so sorry you're hurting like this. It doesn't sound like a pity party to me. More like human emotions. One day at a time, it will get better.
Do you have a strong support system around you? Physician, therapist, friends, alanon? I had closed myself off from life and this was/is taking some time in developing. With it I am becoming healthier and more balanced.
Prayers for you.