depression setting in

Old 04-01-2015, 06:23 PM
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depression setting in

I'm having such a pity party tonight. I can't stop crying and this is not like me at all. I look at my life and I'm so depressed. I feel so alone. I really don't have any close friends. My life has revolved around my family and now half of my family is gone. I mean, I was a part of that family for 37 years and now they act like I'm the enemy. It just hurts so bad. I wish I could get angry about it.

Every single month something comes up that eats up any extra money I think I may have. Today it was tires for the van. It's a wonder I haven't had a blow out but I wasn't ready this month. I need a second job but I'm just so tired. The job I have is very physical. I teach special needs kids and I think I may be getting too old for this. I know I'm too out of shape for it and I can't quit overeating. I've gained weight.

I think of the future and it seems so bleak. It's not that I want to go back, I just still want was I thought I was going to have. I DON'T EVER want to be in a relationship again. I haven't seen many happy relationships and I sure don't want to start over at my age. But that leaves me alone. Sure, I have my kids and grands but I know that I will eventually get to the point where it will be up to them to make the effort and right now I'm the one making the effort. I want my Momma but then again, I'm so glad she's not here in the middle of this nightmare.

Alcohol is what caused this nightmare so is it crazy that I want a glass of wine to go with my whine?
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Old 04-01-2015, 07:15 PM
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Hi cherra,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way today. You have been through a lot, and it wasn't that long of a time period yet.

I forget, did you get a divorce or are you in the process of it?

In a way I do know how you are feeling. You served 37 years, I only served 27 years. It's weird how everything seems so weird sometimes when you are use to the chaos.

How is your daughter doing, is she coming home for Easter vacation?

Do you just want to chat for awhile?

Just remember that it is less then a year. I think it happened in July last year. You have a lot of grieving to go through, and you will get to acceptance.

It took me a long time also. Just remember we are here for you.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
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Old 04-01-2015, 07:17 PM
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Big hugs, cherra. I'm so sorry you're hurting like this. It doesn't sound like a pity party to me. More like human emotions. One day at a time, it will get better.

Do you have a strong support system around you? Physician, therapist, friends, alanon? I had closed myself off from life and this was/is taking some time in developing. With it I am becoming healthier and more balanced.

Prayers for you.
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Old 04-01-2015, 07:44 PM
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You're not alone Cherra, I think I know exactly how you feel. I'm also too old for my job, suffering financially after the breakup of my 23 year marriage, and don't have any close friends or family on this side of the country.

It's hard, and at lonely, but it helps me to know that there are people out there who know what I'm going through, and care about me even if they've never met me.

(((((((( hugs ))))))))) to you my friend.
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Old 04-01-2015, 08:15 PM
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Biggest hug in the world dear one!!! I know your feeling all too well. I don't know how old you are, but baby there is more life out there and you are never too old to grab hold of it and ride like a rodeo star! Right now it just seems all too much at once. My xabf's family cut me off without a word just around holiday time and I was so hurt. Addicts usually come from very sick families. We are the enemy because we didn't keep up the facade for them. The Kool aid we drank wore off. We are witnesses to the truth and just like mob families, they don't like witnesses. I know it's hard, but try and make a gratitude list. Find maybe 10 things that you are thankful for. Kids and grandkids are a pretty great thing!
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Old 04-01-2015, 09:22 PM
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Cherra, I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. Life can look pretty grim some times. I myself have been touch and go with depression and a really bleak outlook for months now. There have been days, weeks, and months when it seems like it's just NEVER GOING TO GET BETTER. These are times when I beat myself up about all the things I still haven't changed about myself, and when I look at all the ways life just doesn't ever seem to line up.

But you know... this week has been better. I have taken some steps toward making small improvements, because... well, what have I got to lose? And just doing those small things have felt good, and when I start hearing that voice in my head that says that nothing is ever good enough I tell it to shut the heck up. And, the sun has been out - that always helps.

When I eat even when I'm not really hungry, I know I'm trying to fill a hole that isn't physical nourishment. This has been on my mind lately because increased appetite is a side effect of a new med I'm taking so it's seriously messing with my self-control! Hopefully you know of ways to self-sooth that make you feel good about yourself and don't add to your stress.

I think it's ok to give yourself permission to be really gentle with yourself, especially if you're going through a really big transition or stressful time.

When things were really piling up on me emotionally I listened to a guided meditation on youtube and it really helped me relax and gain perspective. Search youtube for 'IN TRANSITION- ENDING and NEW BEGINNINGS- Guided Meditation with Lilian Eden'
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