Hi MM.
So sorry you are struggling. You know, when I came back to SR in January last year to finally try to get sober for good, it was after a year of misery wanting to quit on my own but not being able to put down the drink for even a straight week. And almost every single day during that year I was thinking about my life, everything I had in it that I worked for hard and liked so much before my drinking got into the picture. Every day I was living in this terror, imagining everything falling apart and I wished I were already dead to not see it happening. Unfortunately, alcoholism does not destroy us in a quick and relatively pain-free way. What really kicked my butt in the end was a couple months I spent supporting and caring for a good friend of mine who was dying of cancer, I also spent some of his last days with him in the hospital. I saw myself in him constantly, except that I also saw how I was causing trouble and pain also to a lot of people that had nothing to do with my addiction and did not understand my behavior at all. That picture EndGame posted... that's how my mental world looked to me all the time, just like it does for many of us who struggle with advanced addiction, I believe. The thing is, you don't need to have your life look like that if you quit now permanently.
After that time with my friend, I came back to SR, and started really getting into the board... and seeing the many sad stories people report as a consequence of alcoholism. It really worked for me, it deepened that mental image I'd already had... I can't tell you how glad I am that I was finally scared sh1tless and stopped. The negative reinforcement was very efficient for me in the beginning and for a good while.
I also still remember the mindset during my drinking and each time I got into the bottle again: thinking "oh just this last binge, I'll get away with this and I do something later". It sounds like for you, now is really the time.
Please do not get the apparent negative tone of this post wrong, MM... I'm doing it only because I feel your pain, I just recalled all that. Please see a doctor and get help with detox, and stop now, it's so much easier that way. I am sure your wife would listen to this and maybe go to the doctor with you?
Do it now.