Purpleknight, I do.
I mean, my daughters matter, too, of course. But they are getting older and starting their own lives (twins about to be seniors in high school and an almost sophomore). So while I am still responsible for them, that natural separation that happens as teenagers begin the transition to adulthood and independence has begun.
The other changes I have been making in my life have been for myself. Something is clicking in me that says "You are better. You can do better!" I have to quit drinking because those thoughts quickly get replaced by "You are worthless, stupid, ugly, fat, unloved, unwanted."
I've had periods of sobriety before. I didn't actively start drinking until my early 30's. I remember my last bout of sobriety, I told someone "I feel like a light came on in me and all the anxiety, sadness, hatred I had is gone" I feel sane when I don't drink.
Each day, in the beginning, that I didn't smoke, there was such a sense of empowerment and accomplishment. I could feel myself feeling more and more proud of myself. That is all destroyed when I choose to drink.
And honestly, when I know I am going to drink, I get such a sadness. Sometimes, there are tears. Even before I take a drink, I feel so defeated. And I have the power to NOT feel that way.
It really is insane, isn't it?