More quacking from "R"AM ... "R" in quotations because she claims she has been sober since detox almost 2 months ago, except for her admitting a short bender a week ago which got her kicked out of my sister's house. But she is in no sort of program or therapy and keeps using the word "recovery"... ugh.
She got a flat tire and asked to stay the night at sister's while waiting for an appointment to get her car tires switched over (we live where you have to have separate snow/three season sets). Proceeds to go on a bender, stay 2 more days just drinking and lying in bed, and misses her tire appointment. Day that missed appointment happens and AM is found just lying around still, sister decided she needed to set her boundary that her house is not a safe place for Mom to come and drink anymore, and sent her packing. Upon leaving AM was belligerent and insulting to sister saying she just needs have people take care of her and sister is abusive and needs therapy. HAH.
Well AM is on husband & mine's phone plan. She has been giving me money towards it each month but a)she is now unemployed and hasn't applied for her SSI yet and b)told me this week that she may be moving out of state soon to live with a man (whole other ridiculous story there, she all of a sudden found a world class codie to be her white knight, a friend she has had her entire adulthood and my ex-uncle, her sister's exh... umm YEAH).
So I brought up that I need her to take over her phone onto her own plan, it won't cost her any more than she pays me now. I framed it as with the baby coming soon I just need to simplify what is on my plate to deal with, and if she is moving it will make things more complicated. To be honest I will be relieved if she moves away, even though I think this sudden relationship is a terrible idea in the long run.
She replies that she needs to take things really slow and not make the phone change right away because "she is fragile in her recovery" and getting the flat tire is what sent her to drinking last week. I said I'm not asking you to do it tomorrow but wanted to start the conversation. It pissed me off at the moment because these are just the normal tasks of life for all of us and here she is making these excuses about how they are just so stressful they send her wanting to drink. She even pulled out a few teary-eyed phrases like "I just need a lot of love and support right now" to drive home her manipulative point.
After that conversation I realized how far I have to go in my own recovery though - I felt guilty to make the request when so far she has paid us on time every month (who am I to ask for what I need, the way it is has been working), afraid that even bringing it up would send her on a binge (somehow what I do or don't do will affect her choice to drink), and spent a full day replaying the conversation in my head (ruminating/letting her live rent free in my head). Intellectually I know that all of this is bs - I have every right to ask that she take care of her own bills, I don't owe her anything to carry her on our plan, her choices to drink or not have nothing to do with anything I say or do, and what she says/how she says it does not have to control how I spend my emotional energy or thinking.
Just writing it out here helps me to process these thoughts and understand that I haven't really dropped the rope yet. I guess it is a journey and I just need to keep on working on it.