Triangulating - Quacking - Learning to see the Crazy in FOO

Old 03-15-2015, 08:18 AM
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Triangulating - Quacking - Learning to see the Crazy in FOO

I haven't posted much in updates to my first posts about my AM, but have been very active in reading on the forums which has been so helpful. Long story short after detox she is not in any program, therapy, or even seeing her GP, but claims being sober is important to her. So whether or not she is drinking (I assume she is), her thinking/way of behaving has not changed an ounce. And I am coming to see the dysfunction of my FOO and her quacking in a much clearer light than ever before thanks to the SR community.

I have a sister from whom I was estranged for many years. She and I recently decided to try to have a new relationship - one moving forward, not based on the past between us. I have realized that a lot of the reason we were estranged (on my end) was the triangulation my AM used. Sister was (is) a scapegoat, my mother refers to me as the "good" daughter, etc., and yet she is codependent with sister. AM acts as a martyr in her relationship with sister (who was a young single mom and relied on AM for many years to help with childcare), but behind her back constantly judges and criticizes her choices and lifestyle to me.

Yes, my sister has a very different personality than me, and yes, she had a very volatile adolescence and young adulthood because she took on the rebel/scapegoat role and acted out all the dysfunction that was in the home, out in the world. But she is now a grown woman with a successful busy career and her own home. It is not my or my mother or anyone's place to judge her.

Today I get a big old QUACK from AM in the form of a text. She tells me sister is going to be putting her puppy into doggy daycare a couple days a week and basically how irresponsible with her money she is for doing that. I responded that puppy will get good socialization out of that and its not her problem how sister spends her money. AM says well she should pay her, and sister is crazy. The subtext (which she has explicitly stated in the past) is sister owes her because of the years of childcare and household chores AM did for her in the past that AM feels she should have been paid for doing.

I am just not responding. Any further texts related to the subject will be ignored. I refuse to any longer be pulled into this triangle of manipulative behavior. It just sounds ridiculous. It is ridiculous. QUACK!!

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Old 03-15-2015, 09:45 AM
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Good for you. If your mother had wanted to be compensated she should have said so back then. Good luck with the new relationship with your sister.
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Old 03-15-2015, 10:01 AM
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HappyBeingMe, thank you for your response. AM has told sister repeatedly that she should be paid for what she does for her, but then kept on doing it anyway and played the martyr afterward instead of saying 'ok well figure it out on your own I can't be doing this for free' and moving on with her own life. AM used sister's need for help over the past few years as (one of many) excuses to not get gainful employment and now lives in poverty. Now that sister is making choices that don't rely on her, AM is lashing out because she is no longer needed.

She feels resentful of everyone and everything in life (completely isn't willing to live life on life's terms) and tries to get me to buy into her pity party. I'm so glad I am able to detach more and see it for what it is.
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Old 03-15-2015, 10:15 AM
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Sounds quite a bit like my mom. Loves to be the martyr.
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Old 03-15-2015, 12:59 PM
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So AM makes a voluntary decision to have kids, knowing full well they're not free, and then complains about the cost and demands payback? That's a quacker, all right!

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Old 03-16-2015, 09:10 AM
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It is the reverse with my half brother and myself. He's the one she doesn't want to put anything on, excuses like, he has kids (so do I) he has a job (so do I) he has a life (so do I). She raised him (didn't raise me) and I don't think she wants him to know the truth. I was always resentful of him but as time goes on that is mellowing, I still don't want a relationship with him but only because our realities are so different I don't think he could ever fully grasp how different my life was from his.
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Old 03-16-2015, 12:26 PM
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I was the "good" daughter, and my sister was the rebel growing up. While my sister and I are very different people, we are extremely close and talk almost daily. Our biggest bond is the fact that we agree how screwed up our upbringing was and we consider ourselves lucky that we had each other. If either of us had been onlies, I am not sure we would have survived in the ways that we have survived and even thrived as adults. I learned that personality disordered parents have to "split" their kids so that they can project everything they like about themselves on to one kid and everything that they don't like onto another child, even though we are all individuals and this is so wrong! My mother is extremely jealous of my sister and my relationship.
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Old 03-21-2015, 11:33 AM
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Was the good and sister was the 'rebel' growing up...and that lasted until my standing by mom (as a right arm) in whatever difficulties she was experiencing from childhood through my Dad's death (lots of helping with compassionate care, hospitals, and the stuff she 'couldn't do'--which ranged from answering the telephone in a family based business with business calls predominating through dealing with Dad's multiple strokes and eroding health over the last eleven years of his life).

That extended to 'allowing me to help her with Dad during his illnesses and through their financial issues (not spoken of but very very clear to me...from empathetic picking ups) yet not extended to me when my own child died the year Dad had his massive stroke and truly never extended to me...but that was what woke me up...especially as all contact ceased after Dad died...and she moved into travelling even more than previously, being less available as Dad left her very well off financially...and then in reaching out to my children as they reached adulthood (I did not choose to cut them off or out of her life...as I know how much authentically loving relationships mean to me and how much I am capable of loving those I love...including her).

This thread just helped me re-internalize that I didn't imagine the fact that she has never stood by me in my difficulties...of any kind...but some pretty terrible ones in terms of trauma...and has chosen to 'win over' my adult children...through relentless efforts and possibly succeeded with some...as in the past few years she stopped inviting me to family holiday meals that have been a sacred cow for all the 60 years of my life with her...and with major repercussions if I didn't attend and continues to invite my children...and some have opted to attend (yes...the narcissist is a font of pain that keeps on giving) ...but that is not my business...and to work together with my husband while denying and throwing me under the bus any time I spoke about myself or my situation...to manipulate and control one another...resulting in things between them that she will never forgive me for...as he disappointed her (translate...she was manipulated into giving something that she would never have given to me...and he walked away).

There is a saying in naranon/alanon...what others think or say about me is none of my business...this thread is healing to me...one more step towards healthier. I didn't imagine it; no amount of my loving care for her will make a difference in who she is to me...and as I have come to understand that it doesn't much matter if she is narcissistic because of alcohol or a personality disorder (she and dad were drinking far before she offered me a vodka tonic when I came home from school/work at age 16 so I wouldn't be so rigid and relax more)--I know that she has not been there for me...from a very early age...and that in continued and practiced acceptance...I am more able to find the joy and healing...one small step at a time...in the midst of the devastation and ruin inflicted.

The sister I 'believed' was the scapegoat and who was (at least to my perception) my best friend until my father passed away (I was 45; she was 43) disappeared from my life the day after Dad died...and has been very unkind and judgmental since...and wanted nothing more to do with me_only my kids...so there are family traits...I have learned through experiences and subsequent work...that I could be manipulated; was and am vulnerable to manipulators; and that those who I help often leave me as soon as their life is better and their problems resolved (in the case of mother and sister...Dad's death after lengthy illness solved a big problem for them...as neither does or is willing to do any kind of compassionate care...and have always shown that trait...just never realized that it was part of their personality and that all applied to me as it had applied to others in their lives - which I observed intellectually but did not know what the actual experience would involve...the feelings and the need to accept without liking but in order to move on and forward.
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Old 03-28-2015, 06:16 AM
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More quacking from "R"AM ... "R" in quotations because she claims she has been sober since detox almost 2 months ago, except for her admitting a short bender a week ago which got her kicked out of my sister's house. But she is in no sort of program or therapy and keeps using the word "recovery"... ugh.

She got a flat tire and asked to stay the night at sister's while waiting for an appointment to get her car tires switched over (we live where you have to have separate snow/three season sets). Proceeds to go on a bender, stay 2 more days just drinking and lying in bed, and misses her tire appointment. Day that missed appointment happens and AM is found just lying around still, sister decided she needed to set her boundary that her house is not a safe place for Mom to come and drink anymore, and sent her packing. Upon leaving AM was belligerent and insulting to sister saying she just needs have people take care of her and sister is abusive and needs therapy. HAH.

Well AM is on husband & mine's phone plan. She has been giving me money towards it each month but a)she is now unemployed and hasn't applied for her SSI yet and b)told me this week that she may be moving out of state soon to live with a man (whole other ridiculous story there, she all of a sudden found a world class codie to be her white knight, a friend she has had her entire adulthood and my ex-uncle, her sister's exh... umm YEAH).
So I brought up that I need her to take over her phone onto her own plan, it won't cost her any more than she pays me now. I framed it as with the baby coming soon I just need to simplify what is on my plate to deal with, and if she is moving it will make things more complicated. To be honest I will be relieved if she moves away, even though I think this sudden relationship is a terrible idea in the long run.

She replies that she needs to take things really slow and not make the phone change right away because "she is fragile in her recovery" and getting the flat tire is what sent her to drinking last week. I said I'm not asking you to do it tomorrow but wanted to start the conversation. It pissed me off at the moment because these are just the normal tasks of life for all of us and here she is making these excuses about how they are just so stressful they send her wanting to drink. She even pulled out a few teary-eyed phrases like "I just need a lot of love and support right now" to drive home her manipulative point.

After that conversation I realized how far I have to go in my own recovery though - I felt guilty to make the request when so far she has paid us on time every month (who am I to ask for what I need, the way it is has been working), afraid that even bringing it up would send her on a binge (somehow what I do or don't do will affect her choice to drink), and spent a full day replaying the conversation in my head (ruminating/letting her live rent free in my head). Intellectually I know that all of this is bs - I have every right to ask that she take care of her own bills, I don't owe her anything to carry her on our plan, her choices to drink or not have nothing to do with anything I say or do, and what she says/how she says it does not have to control how I spend my emotional energy or thinking.

Just writing it out here helps me to process these thoughts and understand that I haven't really dropped the rope yet. I guess it is a journey and I just need to keep on working on it.
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