I relapsed last year because I was "tired of being good."
Sobriety represents not only quitting alcohol, not only dealing with the reality of the day to day, but also the actual work of sobriety - going to meetings, going to counselling, confronting childhood issues, confronting current emotional issues, writing about your character defects, feeling shame, feeling feelings, etc.
I missed carefree and happy times with friends. I don't have and don't know how to have those times in sobriety. I am a workaholic. In sobriety I work more. Sobriety becomes an extra job, an extra chore. A meeting is another thing on my already full to-do list. I don't enjoy meetings. I don't enjoy coffee dates with program people where we talk about our deficits (in a serious, not-funny way). A sense of obligation. After a while, it all just felt like work and work and work.
I am scared of this, this time. I've actually reduced my involvement with the program because of this "workaholic" tendency in myself. I'm trying to find activities that bring me joy in sobriety. My new puppy has been a big part of that search for joy.
I recognize that if I relapse again, it will be for the exact reasons listed above. I am a perfectionist. When sober, there is no "break," no release of all that tension. I expect myself to exercise regularly, eat perfectly, excel in my job, pay my bills on time, have a hair-do, wear clean clothes, be charming and kind. Alcohol allows me imperfection. Perfection is exhausting. Recovery is exhausting for me.
So, I am aware of this. I know this is what happened last year. I feel the approach of summer, and all these things are resurfacing for me. I'm trying to deal with them differently, but even writing them down, telling the truth, makes me feel accelerated and restless...
Thanks for asking the question. It gives me a great deal to think about today...I think that's the first time I've identified so clearly for myself what is at the heart of relapse for me...