Why did you relapse?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 346
Why did you relapse?
I have been wondering about the mentality behind relapse. I have been reading a great deal about relapse and prevention recently and feel I have a general idea of why it happens. However, I was hoping I could receive a personal account of what happened.
I understand that for a lot of people that stopping going to meetings played a large part of relapse. I think it's fair to say relapse happens because you stopped putting the amount of work into sobriety that is needed. I am wondering more about what happened mentally.
Did you think you could handle a drink or two?
Did do a cost benefit analysis and come to the conclusion that a couple would be worth it?
Was it a belief that you were cured/ had to tools to stop easily again?
A case of the "F* it"/boredom/stress you weren't able to handle?
I have seen a few people relapse recently with a few years of sobriety. I have a decent fear of relapse and am wondering does that just go away?
I am sorry it this is in poor taste but I really want to know what was going through your mind. I understand that in early sobriety relapse happens but why drink again after doing the work to get sober.
I understand that for a lot of people that stopping going to meetings played a large part of relapse. I think it's fair to say relapse happens because you stopped putting the amount of work into sobriety that is needed. I am wondering more about what happened mentally.
Did you think you could handle a drink or two?
Did do a cost benefit analysis and come to the conclusion that a couple would be worth it?
Was it a belief that you were cured/ had to tools to stop easily again?
A case of the "F* it"/boredom/stress you weren't able to handle?
I have seen a few people relapse recently with a few years of sobriety. I have a decent fear of relapse and am wondering does that just go away?
I am sorry it this is in poor taste but I really want to know what was going through your mind. I understand that in early sobriety relapse happens but why drink again after doing the work to get sober.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 109
For me, relapse was always associated with the arrogance of "I can go it alone." No, especially in the early stages, you really can't. Every alcoholic needs to understand that any alcoholic can relapse at any time. My intensive outpatient therapist hammered this point constantly. Even with 27 years sobriety, she always qualified her statement by saying "I'll PROBABLY never drink again." I really think there's an arrogance in not recognizing that.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
The statement 'I'll probably never drink again' seems to me to allow the possibility of choosing to drink, as it is purposely avoiding an acceptance and preference of lifelong abstinence. Or it suggests that drinking is outside of our conscious control.
These two mindsets are what permits future alcohol consumption.
One way to visualize these thoughts in a way that is effective in promoting abstinence is to consider that, because these thoughts support future alcohol consumption, they are nothing more than AV, that misguided survival drive that just loves to have us get wasted. Once we decide that we will no longer do that, that AV becomes ego alien.
Rational acceptance (and preference) of permanent abstinence, and separation of the ego from thoughts of alcohol consumption are valuable assets in building an unconditional lifetime sobriety. Since an alcoholic can relapse at any time, when I quit drinking I stopped being one.
These two mindsets are what permits future alcohol consumption.
One way to visualize these thoughts in a way that is effective in promoting abstinence is to consider that, because these thoughts support future alcohol consumption, they are nothing more than AV, that misguided survival drive that just loves to have us get wasted. Once we decide that we will no longer do that, that AV becomes ego alien.
Rational acceptance (and preference) of permanent abstinence, and separation of the ego from thoughts of alcohol consumption are valuable assets in building an unconditional lifetime sobriety. Since an alcoholic can relapse at any time, when I quit drinking I stopped being one.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by freshstart57 
The statement 'I'll probably never drink again' seems to me to allow the possibility of choosing to drink, as it is purposely avoiding an acceptance and preference of lifelong abstinence. Or it suggests that drinking is outside of our conscious control.
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
Hi axiom!
I don't fear relapse because I've chosen to never drink again and I will never change my mind! Drinking isn't an option for me, it's off the table for good, which means I don't fear relapse any more than I fear hijacking a plane today...not gonna happen.
I'm in control of my actions, which includes what I put in my mouth.
I would also challenge your thinking that relapse 'happens' in recovery! That is pure AV!
Permanent abstinence is totally doable and incredibly freeing, axiom! Because of it, I'm free to live my life without the fear of 'will I drink today'. I won't relapse because I don't drink.
I don't fear relapse because I've chosen to never drink again and I will never change my mind! Drinking isn't an option for me, it's off the table for good, which means I don't fear relapse any more than I fear hijacking a plane today...not gonna happen.
I'm in control of my actions, which includes what I put in my mouth.
I would also challenge your thinking that relapse 'happens' in recovery! That is pure AV!
Permanent abstinence is totally doable and incredibly freeing, axiom! Because of it, I'm free to live my life without the fear of 'will I drink today'. I won't relapse because I don't drink.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I'm a recovering addict and alcoholic, although my drug use was pretty sporadic when I decided to quit drinking. Alcohol was the reason I was seeking recovery. When I relapsed, it was with drugs. My recovery plan was alcohol centric and didn't adequately cover the situation I found myself in.
As for my mental state, it was akin to a sneaky 12-year-old's who was trying to get away with something he knew was wrong, but who did it anyways cause he could.
As for my mental state, it was akin to a sneaky 12-year-old's who was trying to get away with something he knew was wrong, but who did it anyways cause he could.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 346
Unfortunately, I don't believe that never drinking again is so cut and dry. I have stated that I will never drink again and meant it. I have not drank so that is successful.
However, this site would not have people on it who have made this promise if that was all it took. I think that in order to fulfill this promise to myself I need to educate myself on all the ways that my AV may try to speak to me.
It has been a quick and useful tool for me to shut down the AV with simply reminding myself that I no longer drink. It also seems safe to say that the AV/Alcoholism is indeed insidious.
I enjoy going to SMART meetings it is F2F contact with others who choose not to drink/drug/other because it has caused problems in their life. Last night someone had relapsed on cocaine and talked about future steps to insure it wouldn't happen again. He gave vague answers as to the reason and what he did in order to not use. I wanted to ask him why he chose to do something he knew was bad for him but I felt as if this would be rude.
Which is why I pose the question here. Less direct, not putting anyone on the spot. Answer if you like or not.
Methods/Programs/Tools aside, if you have, why did you relapse?
However, this site would not have people on it who have made this promise if that was all it took. I think that in order to fulfill this promise to myself I need to educate myself on all the ways that my AV may try to speak to me.
It has been a quick and useful tool for me to shut down the AV with simply reminding myself that I no longer drink. It also seems safe to say that the AV/Alcoholism is indeed insidious.
I enjoy going to SMART meetings it is F2F contact with others who choose not to drink/drug/other because it has caused problems in their life. Last night someone had relapsed on cocaine and talked about future steps to insure it wouldn't happen again. He gave vague answers as to the reason and what he did in order to not use. I wanted to ask him why he chose to do something he knew was bad for him but I felt as if this would be rude.
Which is why I pose the question here. Less direct, not putting anyone on the spot. Answer if you like or not.
Methods/Programs/Tools aside, if you have, why did you relapse?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Axiom
I have been wondering about the mentality behind relapse. I have been reading a great deal about relapse and prevention recently and feel I have a general idea of why it happens. However, I was hoping I could receive a personal account of what happened.
I understand that for a lot of people that stopping going to meetings played a large part of relapse. I think it's fair to say relapse happens because you stopped putting the amount of work into sobriety that is needed. I am wondering more about what happened mentally.
Did you think you could handle a drink or two?
Did do a cost benefit analysis and come to the conclusion that a couple would be worth it?
Was it a belief that you were cured/ had to tools to stop easily again?
A case of the "F* it"/boredom/stress you weren't able to handle?
I have seen a few people relapse recently with a few years of sobriety. I have a decent fear of relapse and am wondering does that just go away?
I am sorry it this is in poor taste but I really want to know what was going through your mind. I understand that in early sobriety relapse happens but why drink again after doing the work to get sober.
I understand that for a lot of people that stopping going to meetings played a large part of relapse. I think it's fair to say relapse happens because you stopped putting the amount of work into sobriety that is needed. I am wondering more about what happened mentally.
Did you think you could handle a drink or two?
Did do a cost benefit analysis and come to the conclusion that a couple would be worth it?
Was it a belief that you were cured/ had to tools to stop easily again?
A case of the "F* it"/boredom/stress you weren't able to handle?
I have seen a few people relapse recently with a few years of sobriety. I have a decent fear of relapse and am wondering does that just go away?
I am sorry it this is in poor taste but I really want to know what was going through your mind. I understand that in early sobriety relapse happens but why drink again after doing the work to get sober.
Over the years the one constant I`ve often heard from those in AA with time who relapsed is they stopped going to meetings.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Most of the times I returned to drinking after a period of abstinence/sobriety was simply because I thought I could somehow regain control of my drinking. I have finally accepted that I will never be able to do so, no matter how long I abstain.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
I think relapse is a choice. Early on especially, it can be powerfully alluring and you can make up all kinds of justifications, but you control the arm that puts the drink to your lips, and you can choose to either drink or not drink. This gets more stark over time, and Philip Seymour Hoffman comes to mind. He was sober 23 years, and so the notion of relapse doesn't even make much sense - he made a deliberate choice to take a single drink after all that time, and it led to his death. Why he made that choice, I don't know - maybe he was just curious if he could handle it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 750
No matter if its stopping meetings, visiting SR, concentrating on a healthy lifestyle, whatever the method I think the key for me was losing focus.
I lost focus and could no longer sufficiently bring forth the memories and feelings associated with them of why I quit in the first place. That is why, for now, I come here daily, just as a reminder. When I relapsed I was once again in a position where I was willing to welcome all the negatives to achieve the small temporary relief that a drink/drug would provide. It was not until the actual relapse, and after effects where all the hellish, torturous feelings came flooding back because they were reality! The guilt, shame, low self worth, regret, for what? A small "escape" from a sober life that I believed I could no longer handle. I had built up in my mind so much misery in sobriety that I figured I would die or go crazy if I stayed sober a second longer. I let my AV into the driver seat and immediately I felt a calm as the AV and me planned and executed my relapse.
Such a crucial, interesting, baffling time, the moment of relapse is. This time my AV no longer has a drivers license so will NEVER get to be in the drivers seat again. A simple pro's and con's list illustrates so plainly how sobriety completely outweighs drinking, but I have to stay vigilant to remind myself, because I always seemed to get a real cloudy memory of exactly how things are before and when I have relapsed in the past.
So for me that is the weird no-mans land of relapse. I have by no means "figured it out", but I agree it is an interesting and scary place and am glad you posted this thread. Thanks, looking foreward to reading more posts on the thought process, and conditions that lead to a relapse, because I NEVER want it to happen again!
Thanks Axiom and all the posters here!
I lost focus and could no longer sufficiently bring forth the memories and feelings associated with them of why I quit in the first place. That is why, for now, I come here daily, just as a reminder. When I relapsed I was once again in a position where I was willing to welcome all the negatives to achieve the small temporary relief that a drink/drug would provide. It was not until the actual relapse, and after effects where all the hellish, torturous feelings came flooding back because they were reality! The guilt, shame, low self worth, regret, for what? A small "escape" from a sober life that I believed I could no longer handle. I had built up in my mind so much misery in sobriety that I figured I would die or go crazy if I stayed sober a second longer. I let my AV into the driver seat and immediately I felt a calm as the AV and me planned and executed my relapse.
Such a crucial, interesting, baffling time, the moment of relapse is. This time my AV no longer has a drivers license so will NEVER get to be in the drivers seat again. A simple pro's and con's list illustrates so plainly how sobriety completely outweighs drinking, but I have to stay vigilant to remind myself, because I always seemed to get a real cloudy memory of exactly how things are before and when I have relapsed in the past.
So for me that is the weird no-mans land of relapse. I have by no means "figured it out", but I agree it is an interesting and scary place and am glad you posted this thread. Thanks, looking foreward to reading more posts on the thought process, and conditions that lead to a relapse, because I NEVER want it to happen again!
Thanks Axiom and all the posters here!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Justincredible
I lost focus and could no longer sufficiently bring forth the memories and feelings associated with them of why I quit in the first place. That is why, for now, I come here daily, just as a reminder. When I relapsed I was once again in a position where I was willing to welcome all the negatives to achieve the small temporary relief that a drink/drug would provide. It was not until the actual relapse, and after effects where all the hellish, torturous feelings came flooding back because they were reality! The guilt, shame, low self worth, regret, for what? A small "escape" from a sober life that I believed I could no longer handle. I had built up in my mind so much misery in sobriety that I figured I would die or go crazy if I stayed sober a second longer. I let my AV into the driver seat and immediately I felt a calm as the AV and me planned and executed my relapse.
My relationships were dysfunctional. I was being treated poorly by my mother and my husband, and didn't know how to make it stop. So that was the thing I focused on. Relationships. The drinking and all other self-destructive behaviors disappeared once I learned to stand up for myself and take charge of my relationships, and created boundaries where they were possible.
I didn't really focus on alcoholism at all, I had been drinking to numb out the pain I was in. Alleviate the pain, and there was no need for the drink.
I was sober for 18 years.
Not until I had a series of really painful losses did I think to drink again. I had never delved into the physical addiction. Never went to AA or got any counseling around alcoholism. So, being in so much pain again caused me to return to the escape.
I could have used other coping tools, but I didn't. I couldn't even see the surface, I was so close to drowning in sorrow. I had found myself in a very bad place and had not built a strong foundation.
I don't think anyone should get so much bravado that they can say they would never drink again. What if you lose all your family, one by one? What if at that same time, you lose a best friend of 20 years and your significant other? What if you lose your job and half your retirement savings? What if you find yourself alone? If all these things happen in a short enough time period you may find yourself doing what I did. I really didn't want to continue living.
Life is still a bit of a struggle on a daily basis. I'm not going to add to that by drinking, though. That little experiment blew up in my face! Things are much better now that time has passed and the alcohol is not pulling me down into that swamp.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Relapses for me stemmed from my inability to admit that I could not drink. At all. anymore. Ever again.
I kept trying to make alcohol fit into my life, at all costs.
It was irrelevant that it owned me. Irrelevant that it consumed me. Irrelevant that it was killing me. Irrelevant that it was destroying my soul slowly.
I refused to let that demon go because I thought there was no way I could live my life without it.
And then, the choice to try to continue to incorporate it into my was taken away from me.
And I started to live.
I kept trying to make alcohol fit into my life, at all costs.
It was irrelevant that it owned me. Irrelevant that it consumed me. Irrelevant that it was killing me. Irrelevant that it was destroying my soul slowly.
I refused to let that demon go because I thought there was no way I could live my life without it.
And then, the choice to try to continue to incorporate it into my was taken away from me.
And I started to live.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: baltimore, maryland
Posts: 463
Cunning...Baffling....Powerful!!! I relapsed because I forgot these 3 words. I thought I can beat these 3 words...I'm stronger than a couple of words. Well, I am NOT! I might just get these words tattooed on my hand. Best wishes to everyone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
i've been fortunate to not relapse. I'm terrified too etc..
But i've given it a lot of thought. I've seen people relapse 5 or 6 times and promptly get back on the wagon int he span of say 2 years. What does this do to me? it gets me thinking..... Thinking well perhaps I could go have a bender and just hop back on the wagon. Oh sure I hear all the stories of shame and guilt etc.. But I also think meh so what I could go have a few nights of fun or something.
I know if i relapse it will be because I blatently and boldly chose to do so. I dont foresee myself just not being mindful of my issue and slipping up. I mean maybe if some tragedeity happens to me i might be like that.
But it scares me I never hear a good relapse story but yet I ponder just going out and having a relapse. whats the harm? I can just go running back to my support groups arms and hop back on the wagon it seems too simple?
But i also fear it could od me in maybe i wouldnt recover this time etc..
But based on my above thinking you see my AV is at work clearly.
But i've given it a lot of thought. I've seen people relapse 5 or 6 times and promptly get back on the wagon int he span of say 2 years. What does this do to me? it gets me thinking..... Thinking well perhaps I could go have a bender and just hop back on the wagon. Oh sure I hear all the stories of shame and guilt etc.. But I also think meh so what I could go have a few nights of fun or something.
I know if i relapse it will be because I blatently and boldly chose to do so. I dont foresee myself just not being mindful of my issue and slipping up. I mean maybe if some tragedeity happens to me i might be like that.
But it scares me I never hear a good relapse story but yet I ponder just going out and having a relapse. whats the harm? I can just go running back to my support groups arms and hop back on the wagon it seems too simple?
But i also fear it could od me in maybe i wouldnt recover this time etc..
But based on my above thinking you see my AV is at work clearly.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
I relapsed last year because I was "tired of being good."
Sobriety represents not only quitting alcohol, not only dealing with the reality of the day to day, but also the actual work of sobriety - going to meetings, going to counselling, confronting childhood issues, confronting current emotional issues, writing about your character defects, feeling shame, feeling feelings, etc.
I missed carefree and happy times with friends. I don't have and don't know how to have those times in sobriety. I am a workaholic. In sobriety I work more. Sobriety becomes an extra job, an extra chore. A meeting is another thing on my already full to-do list. I don't enjoy meetings. I don't enjoy coffee dates with program people where we talk about our deficits (in a serious, not-funny way). A sense of obligation. After a while, it all just felt like work and work and work.
I am scared of this, this time. I've actually reduced my involvement with the program because of this "workaholic" tendency in myself. I'm trying to find activities that bring me joy in sobriety. My new puppy has been a big part of that search for joy.
I recognize that if I relapse again, it will be for the exact reasons listed above. I am a perfectionist. When sober, there is no "break," no release of all that tension. I expect myself to exercise regularly, eat perfectly, excel in my job, pay my bills on time, have a hair-do, wear clean clothes, be charming and kind. Alcohol allows me imperfection. Perfection is exhausting. Recovery is exhausting for me.
So, I am aware of this. I know this is what happened last year. I feel the approach of summer, and all these things are resurfacing for me. I'm trying to deal with them differently, but even writing them down, telling the truth, makes me feel accelerated and restless...
Thanks for asking the question. It gives me a great deal to think about today...I think that's the first time I've identified so clearly for myself what is at the heart of relapse for me...
Sobriety represents not only quitting alcohol, not only dealing with the reality of the day to day, but also the actual work of sobriety - going to meetings, going to counselling, confronting childhood issues, confronting current emotional issues, writing about your character defects, feeling shame, feeling feelings, etc.
I missed carefree and happy times with friends. I don't have and don't know how to have those times in sobriety. I am a workaholic. In sobriety I work more. Sobriety becomes an extra job, an extra chore. A meeting is another thing on my already full to-do list. I don't enjoy meetings. I don't enjoy coffee dates with program people where we talk about our deficits (in a serious, not-funny way). A sense of obligation. After a while, it all just felt like work and work and work.
I am scared of this, this time. I've actually reduced my involvement with the program because of this "workaholic" tendency in myself. I'm trying to find activities that bring me joy in sobriety. My new puppy has been a big part of that search for joy.
I recognize that if I relapse again, it will be for the exact reasons listed above. I am a perfectionist. When sober, there is no "break," no release of all that tension. I expect myself to exercise regularly, eat perfectly, excel in my job, pay my bills on time, have a hair-do, wear clean clothes, be charming and kind. Alcohol allows me imperfection. Perfection is exhausting. Recovery is exhausting for me.
So, I am aware of this. I know this is what happened last year. I feel the approach of summer, and all these things are resurfacing for me. I'm trying to deal with them differently, but even writing them down, telling the truth, makes me feel accelerated and restless...
Thanks for asking the question. It gives me a great deal to think about today...I think that's the first time I've identified so clearly for myself what is at the heart of relapse for me...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 750
Wow heartcore,
AWESOME POST! I identify with that so strongly. I think a red flag for me is when I start to see my action plan for sobriety as a chore, whatever it may be. Its time to get a swift blast of inspiration without having to experience a real relapse. But how to do that I'm still learning.
I could have written that post, though not as eloquently.
AWESOME POST! I identify with that so strongly. I think a red flag for me is when I start to see my action plan for sobriety as a chore, whatever it may be. Its time to get a swift blast of inspiration without having to experience a real relapse. But how to do that I'm still learning.
I could have written that post, though not as eloquently.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
I relapsed dozens of times simply because alcohol was my master and highest power in my life. When it tempted me - I drank, pure and simple. I had enough willpower to delay my next drink maybe a few hours at best. 
I know it does not make sense to those who have not experienced this sort of thing and I recognized that most alcoholics don't reach this level of powerlessness, but I have met or corresponded with a few hundred people who have had such an experience so I know it is not just me.
The same powerlessness is still true for me today. I can't choose to drink or not drink. I even went through a brief period where I tried to use my willpower to go back to drinking and that did not work for me either. The ugly truth is that it is not my choice, stayed with me even when I wanted it to go away, so I could drink again. I even resented it for awhile and was afraid to talk about it for over a year.
The only explanation that I have for such an experience is that I had a "Spiritual Awakening" so incredibly powerful that it produced an entire psychic change in me. Unbelievable maybe, but not unheard of. There are literally thousands of posts right here at SR describing more or less the same experience.
This experience is well documented in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous on page 85 if anyone wants to see it in print. And NO - I did not know it existed till after I had the experience so it could not have influenced me before hand.
That's why I now say "Not-drinkin has nothing to do with why I am sober today."
I know it does not make sense to those who have not experienced this sort of thing and I recognized that most alcoholics don't reach this level of powerlessness, but I have met or corresponded with a few hundred people who have had such an experience so I know it is not just me.
The same powerlessness is still true for me today. I can't choose to drink or not drink. I even went through a brief period where I tried to use my willpower to go back to drinking and that did not work for me either. The ugly truth is that it is not my choice, stayed with me even when I wanted it to go away, so I could drink again. I even resented it for awhile and was afraid to talk about it for over a year.
The only explanation that I have for such an experience is that I had a "Spiritual Awakening" so incredibly powerful that it produced an entire psychic change in me. Unbelievable maybe, but not unheard of. There are literally thousands of posts right here at SR describing more or less the same experience.
This experience is well documented in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous on page 85 if anyone wants to see it in print. And NO - I did not know it existed till after I had the experience so it could not have influenced me before hand.
That's why I now say "Not-drinkin has nothing to do with why I am sober today."
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by heartcore
I relapsed last year because I was "tired of being good."
Sobriety represents not only quitting alcohol, not only dealing with the reality of the day to day, but also the actual work of sobriety - going to meetings, going to counselling, confronting childhood issues, confronting current emotional issues, writing about your character defects, feeling shame, feeling feelings, etc.
I missed carefree and happy times with friends. I don't have and don't know how to have those times in sobriety. I am a workaholic. In sobriety I work more. Sobriety becomes an extra job, an extra chore. A meeting is another thing on my already full to-do list. I don't enjoy meetings. I don't enjoy coffee dates with program people where we talk about our deficits (in a serious, not-funny way). A sense of obligation. After a while, it all just felt like work and work and work.
I am scared of this, this time. I've actually reduced my involvement with the program because of this "workaholic" tendency in myself. I'm trying to find activities that bring me joy in sobriety. My new puppy has been a big part of that search for joy.
I recognize that if I relapse again, it will be for the exact reasons listed above. I am a perfectionist. When sober, there is no "break," no release of all that tension. I expect myself to exercise regularly, eat perfectly, excel in my job, pay my bills on time, have a hair-do, wear clean clothes, be charming and kind. Alcohol allows me imperfection. Perfection is exhausting. Recovery is exhausting for me.
So, I am aware of this. I know this is what happened last year. I feel the approach of summer, and all these things are resurfacing for me. I'm trying to deal with them differently, but even writing them down, telling the truth, makes me feel accelerated and restless...
Thanks for asking the question. It gives me a great deal to think about today...I think that's the first time I've identified so clearly for myself what is at the heart of relapse for me...
Sobriety represents not only quitting alcohol, not only dealing with the reality of the day to day, but also the actual work of sobriety - going to meetings, going to counselling, confronting childhood issues, confronting current emotional issues, writing about your character defects, feeling shame, feeling feelings, etc.
I missed carefree and happy times with friends. I don't have and don't know how to have those times in sobriety. I am a workaholic. In sobriety I work more. Sobriety becomes an extra job, an extra chore. A meeting is another thing on my already full to-do list. I don't enjoy meetings. I don't enjoy coffee dates with program people where we talk about our deficits (in a serious, not-funny way). A sense of obligation. After a while, it all just felt like work and work and work.
I am scared of this, this time. I've actually reduced my involvement with the program because of this "workaholic" tendency in myself. I'm trying to find activities that bring me joy in sobriety. My new puppy has been a big part of that search for joy.
I recognize that if I relapse again, it will be for the exact reasons listed above. I am a perfectionist. When sober, there is no "break," no release of all that tension. I expect myself to exercise regularly, eat perfectly, excel in my job, pay my bills on time, have a hair-do, wear clean clothes, be charming and kind. Alcohol allows me imperfection. Perfection is exhausting. Recovery is exhausting for me.
So, I am aware of this. I know this is what happened last year. I feel the approach of summer, and all these things are resurfacing for me. I'm trying to deal with them differently, but even writing them down, telling the truth, makes me feel accelerated and restless...
Thanks for asking the question. It gives me a great deal to think about today...I think that's the first time I've identified so clearly for myself what is at the heart of relapse for me...
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