Butterfly

Why do we keep looking for the people who hurt us to take the hurt away, make everything better????

I've been thinking about this since I jumped back on the rollercoaster yesterday telling my stbxah that I love him and reminding him of what he has said about how he feels about me on so many occasions both loving me and not loving me. I know I will never get the answer I need or the husband I need yet every now and then I jump back on the rollercoaster. For me I think I keep testing the waters, has he changed, is he seeking sobriety, does he want to seek help, maybe hoping I will get the answers I think I need and the husband I want to heal me and take away my hurt and feelings of rejection.

Last Saturday night I was sitting at home on my own and I felt lonely, painfully lonely and I thought if he was here I wouldn't be lonely, I'd have someone who wanted to be with me, to talk to. Today I have realised I felt lonely when he was at home and that he probably wanting to be drinking even if he wasn't and if he was drinking he was wanting me to go off to bed so he could drink more and quicker, get to the point of passing out, so did he really want to be with me? Maybe on some level. Did I really want to be with him? Again maybe on some level. I love him but I have spent my life loving him and focusing on him and fixing him that I forgot about me. Focusing on and loving him killed me!!!!

Another thought struck me during the week, my life is exactly the same as it was when he was at home, except he's not here and I'm not living with addiction so that part is different and it's nice not to live with anxiety but my life is exactly the same, I don't go out, I come home and hide away, isolate myself. Yes there are times when I force myself to go out when I don't want to, but I mostly hide away and use my responsibilities as my excuse or feeling so tired that I just can't be bothered. I want to get out there in the big bad world and start living discovering a life for myself but I feel I'm in limbo, one toe in the scary future by myself and the rest of me in the past with him.

So I think my thinking is if he came home I wouldn't have to go out on my own and start all over again building a life for myself and maybe that's why I keep jumping back on the roller coaster??

I really don't know my thinking is all over the place and apologies for the long post these thoughts have been in and out of my mind all week but with the divorce issues they had taken a back seat, but they keep popping in so I feel I need to give them some thought.

Thanks for listening