Butterfly

Why do we keep looking for the people who hurt us to take the hurt away, make everything better????

I've been thinking about this since I jumped back on the rollercoaster yesterday telling my stbxah that I love him and reminding him of what he has said about how he feels about me on so many occasions both loving me and not loving me. I know I will never get the answer I need or the husband I need yet every now and then I jump back on the rollercoaster. For me I think I keep testing the waters, has he changed, is he seeking sobriety, does he want to seek help, maybe hoping I will get the answers I think I need and the husband I want to heal me and take away my hurt and feelings of rejection.

Last Saturday night I was sitting at home on my own and I felt lonely, painfully lonely and I thought if he was here I wouldn't be lonely, I'd have someone who wanted to be with me, to talk to. Today I have realised I felt lonely when he was at home and that he probably wanting to be drinking even if he wasn't and if he was drinking he was wanting me to go off to bed so he could drink more and quicker, get to the point of passing out, so did he really want to be with me? Maybe on some level. Did I really want to be with him? Again maybe on some level. I love him but I have spent my life loving him and focusing on him and fixing him that I forgot about me. Focusing on and loving him killed me!!!!

Another thought struck me during the week, my life is exactly the same as it was when he was at home, except he's not here and I'm not living with addiction so that part is different and it's nice not to live with anxiety but my life is exactly the same, I don't go out, I come home and hide away, isolate myself. Yes there are times when I force myself to go out when I don't want to, but I mostly hide away and use my responsibilities as my excuse or feeling so tired that I just can't be bothered. I want to get out there in the big bad world and start living discovering a life for myself but I feel I'm in limbo, one toe in the scary future by myself and the rest of me in the past with him.

So I think my thinking is if he came home I wouldn't have to go out on my own and start all over again building a life for myself and maybe that's why I keep jumping back on the roller coaster??

I really don't know my thinking is all over the place and apologies for the long post these thoughts have been in and out of my mind all week but with the divorce issues they had taken a back seat, but they keep popping in so I feel I need to give them some thought.

Thanks for listening

LexieCat

No, I think you're onto something there. It's attachment to the FAMILIAR.

You KNOW how to act with an alcoholic in the house--being on your own and having your own life is uncharted territory. It's natural to want to hold onto the familiar.

All I can say is that it takes practice. And you're much better off using this time to adjust to your new life than spending all of your time mourning the loss of the old one. Just keep doing it. It's kind of like getting sober was, for me. I knew how to live when I drank all day, but figuring out what to do with my time now that I wasn't drinking was decidedly uncomfortable. It just takes time, and practice. The only way to get comfortable with the unfamiliar is to keep doing it until it IS familiar. It's the same with a new job, a new child (remember the adjustments when your first baby arrived?), or any big life changes.

You can DO this.

ch76

It seems you're still grieving for the husband you thought he was. I seem to be beginning to grieve for the fiancee I thought she was, and not who she really is. You have maybe seen your tag-line so many times that it has lost its meaning to you. It says "God sometimes removes people from your life to protect you.....Don't run after them" (((hugs)))

Butterfly

Thanks Lexie. Attachment to the familiar, I like that it helps me understand why. I think by continuing to find my way in this new life may actually help me move on and move through the grieving process. I just have to keep focused on the brighter days and accept the bad for what they are a difficult day, not the end of the world!! Today I feel I can do this, thank you

Ch76 thanks yes I am still grieving, 18 years is a lot of grieving to go through. I'm grieving the loss of who I wanted him to be, who he was at times but the loss of our hopes and dreams the future I wanted to have with someone I love. He couldn't be the person I wanted/needed/deserved he couldn't be the husband I deserved or the father my kids deserved. Lots of feelings are coming up for me that I don't understand and that I didn't process at the time but kept it all bottled up so I could focus on him.

I have that signature on a picture of a sunset pinned up on my mirror in my bedroom, a friend gave it to me. And yes I forget about it It seems to come into focus when I'm at my lowest. I was ranting and raving at God a few weeks ago feeling sorry for myself when it fell of the mirror.

Sorry for what your going through, addiction sucks!!

fluffyflea

Part of the reason we jump back on the roller coaster is so we don't have to deal with ourselves. It's easier to focus on them rather than what we need to do for ourselves.

kudzujean

Great post, especially the above.

atalose

These are very insightful thoughts you are having Butterfly and good for healing and moving forward.

I think the further we step away and work on us the clearer the big picture becomes and we are able to see realities that were clouded in the past.

I know for me that my ex did love me and I don’t forget all the good things he did and we had. Yet today I am able to see where his one true commitment was and always will be to drugs. Often we speak of them loving booze/drugs more than they do us and to some degree that is true, yet it’s not all that cut and dry.

And the longer we continue to compare ourselves and our self -worth and importance against that, the less our self- esteem can rise.

My inner thoughts used to be like this – wow a bottle of pills is more appealing to him than I am.

Now today my inner thoughts go like this – how sad that his life has become so small it all fits inside of a pill bottle.

Notice how I did not include myself in todays thoughts……….because now I know better that HIS addiction really had and has nothing at all to do with me.

Butterfly

Thanks atalose I still think how could he prefer to be alone and drink than be with me. I'm still working on his addiction having nothing to do with me. Sometimes I know this sometimes I don't. It's a constant battle but it's a work in progress!!

redatlanta

If you had been ok with his relentless drinking he would probably still be sitting in that house sh*t faced and you sober with no one to talk to.

Alcoholism has nothing to do with love. You know this. Square peg round hole.

You weren't ok with his alcoholism
He wasn't ok with sobriety.

Its really that simple.

Refiner

Yes attachment to the familiar and the wishing and wanting what "could be" (or SHOULD be, dammit!!) When I got divorced from my depressed AH I did something so utterly NOT me... I took a long vacation BY MYSELF... To Venezuela!! It was liberating and helped open the door to doing nice things and even adventurous things that were just for ME. No more HIM HIM HIM. It really helped start my self-exploration process.

Butterfly

Red, On good days I know this. I should get this tattooed on my body somewhere lol ok maybe a bit extreme, maybe print this out and carry it with me for those bad days,

Refiner, I would love a holiday by myself and think once my divorce is through im going to take one but financially I can't. What I do want to do when my kids are settled and moved on out of the home is take a career break and go to Australia for May e 6 months/a year.

That said I need to start looking at other things I can do for myself that don't cost money but will help me take care of me.

I've an appointment with my dr next week as I think my no motivation and constant low mood has gone on to long, yes I know I'm grieving but I need to take steps to move through the grieving process. I've been on anti depressants for many years and I've been reluctant to change or increase them as I want off them. Although as my dr thinks says this is a situational issue and not medical he's hoping I will come through it without increasing my medication.

NYCDoglvr

We stay with them because we don't think we deserve better.