Nutshell: I recently made the decision to give my AH an ultimatum after his most recent shady behavior: either leave the apartment voluntarily, or be forcibly removed.
This follows MONTHS of his not contributing to rent, insurance, groceries, gas, anything, and two YEARS of dealing with his drinking, clinging to 'friends' & habits borne of his previous heroin problem, & now his deciding to go off Suboxone cold turkey because "he thought he could handle it". We have a 5mo old whose father has largely been unable to care for him or help me out in any way because of all of the above.
One of his friends sent me the following after learning that I had kicked him out. (This does not mean, dumped his stuff in the yard, changed the locks & left him homeless. Actually, though it's probably doing more than I should be, I've been letting him shower over here & at least say hello to the baby once every couple of days...)
"yeah, how is kicking him to the curb helping him get a job and stay on his feet? I mean, I know how he can be and how he can just mope around and feel sorry for himself but I've also seen him excell and do awesome. Usually happens when he has the support of his family and friends. Yes, he's assed up a lot of things in his life and people hold that over his head and don't let him forget it. That's gotta weigh heavy on him and if I were in his shoes Id have no motivation or ambition to do much of anything either cause that's what people are expecting of me. Sorry if I'm coming off as a dick but I care about AH . I wish I could help him out. He needs to do something with himself yes.. He needs to be there for his wife and kid as a provider. But when times come that he can't be that provider he needs to have the love and reassurance that someone has his back and keep him motivated. I know I'm not there in the house and don't know the situation fully but I just don't understand how giving him the boot is being supportive. He doesn't get any support from his family that's for sure. I don't wanna try and get into a big ordeal or tell you guys how to run your marriage but you both need each other. Somehow someway it seems you all could Find a compromise and work with each other to get him back out there and working and providing. xxxxx and I have only been married for 4 years so I know I'm no expert but from the few times I haven't had a job or just had a ****** job she has supported me 100% in finding and or helping me stick with it until something comes along. it's all about being a team. Threw thick and thin and for better or worse. I know you've carries him a long the way and he can tend to ride that out as long as possible... I know... Ive basically supported him myself. But he came around. I don't know, I'm just rambling now. I just hope you guys can figure something positive out and get him back on his feet. If he's gotta live in a tent away from his family, I don't think that's a solution."
The most telling parts of this seem to me to be somewhat predictable from friends/family outside the situation: 1. I know I"m not there in the house so I don't know the situation, and 2. Myself & my spouse have done XYZ & that's what you're supposed to do no matter what.
My favorite is, "I've basically supported him myself", which implies that this friend has spent just as much time, energy, money, effort & resources on AH as I have. I could write a book on how much I've lost or had taken from me by AH, material and otherwise...but I won't.
Is it just me, or do these friends/family who are so judgmental lack a basic understanding of addict behavior? Of COURSE AH SEEMED to do better or excel with support-because compared to shooting up heroin in someone's bathroom, anything seems like excelling. And as most of us here at SR have experienced, just because the addict "seems to be" excelling on the surface does NOT mean that all isn't rotten below the surface of said Denmark.
Anyone else dealt with people like this? How would you or have you responded?