Change4good

Last Saturday I was an anxiety ridden mess. Had the worst panic attack, and a friend stopped by in the middle of it. Told her I was actually feeling suicidal.

I left to go to detox, but left after sitting three hours in the waiting room. (Was approved, and just waiting to be admitted.) Came home and recommitted to sobriety. Road out the discomfort.

I have a week, and this saturday is a world of difference. I have antabuse just in case (I know there are mixed feelings on this.)

I am feeling strong, but wretched about what I did to my friend. She is frantic, sending me texts and emails, pushing mental health (which I sorely need), and I am just. . .angry with her. I want her to back off and I know her intentions are good, but the impact on me is hard.

Probably harder on her, and reminds me of how selfish this disease is. I ruined her week, and dented our friendship. She told my best childhood friend out of fear when I asked her not to share with anyone. She did it from love, but it felt like a betrayal.

This is a ramble. Good news is that I am sober, had a triumph at work yesterday, and feel strong. Now, need to get into intensive counseling. I lost my twin brother to alcohol, and my birthday is Monday. Always puts be in a tailspin, but not this year.

Thanks for letting me prattle on, and happy weekend to everyone.