I can understand.
My alcoholic father and I didn't have much of a relationship later in life. I would talk to him a couple times a years (birthdays & holidays) and maybe drive up to see him once every three years. There was a period of time when he kept calling me drunk, so I even went no contact for a few years.
Anyway, I clearly remember when we realized that he had demenia. My sister and I drove four hours to the hospital he was in because he got "confused". After talking with him it was apparent that he was worse off than we had imagine. He could no longer live alone and plans had to be made to find alternative housing for him.
The whole things was stressful because I resented the fact that I had to help him when he was never truly there for us. I had to work through so much anger that I had suppressed.
The thing that surprised me the most though was that I cried like I hadn't cried in years because it hit me that he was NEVER going to get better and be the father that I always wanted. I was in my mid-forties and still had hope.
As an adult, I was able to disengage and distant myself. But there was still a little girl inside of my that wanted a dad.
He passed away almost five years ago. I swore I would never go to his funeral, however I was the one who ended up organizing it because there really wasn't anyone else available to do it.
I think I'll always feel a little bit of pain and sadness when I think about him.
Hugs,
db