Why did I do this?

Old 03-19-2015, 02:28 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Bunnies!
Thread Starter
 
NWGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Why did I do this?

I called my AM today. She didn't answer. I didn't leave a message. She didn't call back.

I was talking to my grandmother earlier this afternoon and she told me she talked to AM and "She sounded really good, Meg. She actually wanted to talk, and we talked for a long time. She asked about the kids and I told her they're doing well. Then she asked about you, and I told her you've been having problems. She asked if it was your Crohn's and I said yes. She asked if you were ok, and I think she genuinely meant it. Please call her. Don't hold a grudge."

I followed that by telling her that I'm not holding a grudge. I forgave my mother a while ago. I'm still working through my anger and resentment with the rest of the adults responsible for my welfare, but that's nothing to do with AM. I've gotten tidbits through the grapevine that AM hasn't been well. Last I knew she was in a nursing home learning how to walk again. I don't know what happened, and I honestly don't care. Her life choices have consequences and that's her thing. Supposedly though, she's been sober a while now and has been reaching out to family in earnest, not to manipulate or pass blame (the usual MO's we know all too well). I rushed the end of the call but told my grandmother I'd think about calling AM. No promises, no guilt if I didn't. It's been nearly three years. I can handle a few more (or an eternity) not hearing from her. But something in me said to call. If she answered, then I'd be genuine in asking how she is. If she was drunk, I'd hang up and continue on as normal. But she didn't answer. And a part of me was honestly disappointed. Not in that "Let's see if she's snockered" way, but genuinely disappointed. As much as I know I can live life without her, there will always be that tiny seed of hope that one day she'll get it together. I know I won't be able to have a relationship with her (entirely too much water almost washing out the bridge, and too much growth to risk the possible collapse if she drank again), and I'm ok with that.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, if anywhere. Part of me - that ugly part with all the pride and sh*t - is frustrated with myself for even doing it. I really don't have anything to say and still wouldn't show up at her funeral. Maybe just knowing that she got it somewhat together can help me in some way in my own recovery without opening a whole can of worms. I don't know. I honestly don't know. I don't think I'm expecting feedback on this. I just needed to get it out somewhere so that it's not rolling around in my head. When I told Mr. Grits about it not too long ago when he got home from work, he looked at me like I'd completely lost it and asked if I was feeling masochistic, because salad greens would be a perfectly viable option at the moment (with a Crohn's flare, greens are pretty much asking to go to the ER). The thought of me ending up hurt didn't even factor in, though. Is this growth? Is this what it feels like when you've released a person from your life and they no longer cause you pain?

I honestly don't know if I'd pick up the phone now if she called again, and her number is still on Auto-Reject.
NWGRITS is offline  
Old 03-19-2015, 04:17 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Aww Grits, that's a tough one. I think I can understand. I think humans are wired to want a relationship, connection or something with our parents. I know I still do at times and having to be practical about accepting it isn't possible or healthy for me just feels unnatural at times. I have no advice but ((hugs)).
happybeingme is offline  
Old 03-19-2015, 04:52 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
DoubleDragons's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I feel for you, Grits. My alcoholic mother is still in my life and for the last week or so, it has been so obvious she's drunk. I want to get to a state where I feel indifferent about all of this, but it is so hard! Again, I feel for you.
DoubleDragons is offline  
Old 03-19-2015, 05:25 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
aasharon90's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,201
I had to place my sick mom into the
Hands of my Higher Power or God of
my understanding and upbringing.

It was the last resort for me to do
because as much as I would have
liked to have some sort of healthy
relationship with her, it just wasn't
meant to be.

I have to accept the fact that she is
who she is and I cant change her. I
know she is elderly now with my dad
and other family members are caring
for them if needed.

For me and my own recovery and piece
of mind and health, I can no longer subject
myself to unhealthy issues or situations
in my life that would cause me to destroy
my life with poison.

I guess I finally reached a point in my life
where enough was enough with the unhealthy
source in my life. Even if its a member of my
family of orgin.

Forgive Them For They Know Not What They Do.
Let Go and Let God.
aasharon90 is online now  
Old 03-19-2015, 05:41 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
dbh
Member
 
dbh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
I can understand.

My alcoholic father and I didn't have much of a relationship later in life. I would talk to him a couple times a years (birthdays & holidays) and maybe drive up to see him once every three years. There was a period of time when he kept calling me drunk, so I even went no contact for a few years.

Anyway, I clearly remember when we realized that he had demenia. My sister and I drove four hours to the hospital he was in because he got "confused". After talking with him it was apparent that he was worse off than we had imagine. He could no longer live alone and plans had to be made to find alternative housing for him.

The whole things was stressful because I resented the fact that I had to help him when he was never truly there for us. I had to work through so much anger that I had suppressed.

The thing that surprised me the most though was that I cried like I hadn't cried in years because it hit me that he was NEVER going to get better and be the father that I always wanted. I was in my mid-forties and still had hope.

As an adult, I was able to disengage and distant myself. But there was still a little girl inside of my that wanted a dad.

He passed away almost five years ago. I swore I would never go to his funeral, however I was the one who ended up organizing it because there really wasn't anyone else available to do it.

I think I'll always feel a little bit of pain and sadness when I think about him.

Hugs,

db
dbh is offline  
Old 03-19-2015, 08:55 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnybodyNobody's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 36
I am sick with a bad cold and at 8 months pregnant on top of that feeling very run down. I made the mistake of answering my AM's phone call yesterday. I knew I didn't have the spoons to deal with her craziness and did it anyway. Should have just let it go to voicemail. And as suspected it was a sh*t show of the usual sort with her, emotional, angry, victim quackery. She had the gall to tell me about how she threatened my nephew with a more severe punishment after his mom set a reasonable consequence for a behavior. Followed by some crying and expressing how she can't wait to build a relationship with MY son. I wanted to scream at her that in no way would she ever be allowed to have that kind of relationship with my child.

Sorry to hijack. I totally get the "masochistic" thing where the hope that they will somehow actually be sane and there for you wins out occasionally over the knowledge that the person is incapable of that. It seems like you have come so far in your recovery and I have taken such wisdom from all your posts here on SR.
AnybodyNobody is offline  
Old 03-19-2015, 02:16 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Bunnies!
Thread Starter
 
NWGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Thank you, everyone. I have no desire for a relationship with her. There's too much damage done to ever make that possible. Going NC three years ago was the best thing I ever did. The lack of extra chaos in my life was immediate and I haven't lost sight of that. She didn't call back today and I have no plan to try to call her again. I woke up this morning knowing that I could never take on that gorilla again. No thanks.
NWGRITS is offline  
Old 03-19-2015, 04:43 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
I have all this rolling around in my head too, what if she's better, what if she truly doesn't know why I'm not contacting her and would try harder if she knew? And then I remember her best friend calling me a f*&^ing w&^%$ and all kinds of other names repeatedly, threatening to call my work and the police for "elder abuse" because I hadn't been to her house for 3 days - and then I remember that my AM was there while she was doing this and came to my house a few weeks later like nothing had happened and flippantly told me she was going to dinner with said friend that night. I just have to hold on to what I know is true which is that she will never get it and that life is better without that chaos in my life. But Oh man NWGRITS do I know how tempting it is to think - just one more chance. You're my hero - 3 years. You go girl.
ajarlson is offline  
Old 03-19-2015, 05:46 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Eddiebuckle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Grace and redemption would be pretty dull stuff if they only applied to saints.
Eddiebuckle is offline  
Old 03-19-2015, 06:06 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Bunnies!
Thread Starter
 
NWGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
So, funny enough, my aunt texted me this afternoon asking if I'd talked to my mom. I told her that mom didn't answer and didn't call back, and I have no intentions of trying again. Probably for the best. She agreed. We got to chitchatting and she told me how mom has been calling and cursing out my sister because she divorced her husband and has moved on with her life to someone else - calling my sister a wh*re and other colorful names. Sounds just like the AM I've always known and pretended to love. She's been married three times and tried to hide the third one, but both of her daughters are on their second marriages, so we're worthless trash. Some things really don't change. My HP was protecting me yesterday. And I am so, so grateful.
NWGRITS is offline  
Old 03-21-2015, 10:42 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
seasaw's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Grits i could hardly finish your post after reading that you had called her!!! I just wanted to rush to the end to see what happened/if you were ok.

Isn't it crazy how all the effort we put into laying brick after brick into the wall of NC, putting day after day behind us of being NC, all it takes is pressing one button!

Are you ruminating about why she hasnt called back, in spite of yourself? I admit I did, in a similar situation not long ago.

Hugs, lady!!!! You're so strong!
seasaw is offline  
Old 03-21-2015, 11:13 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Bunnies!
Thread Starter
 
NWGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I'm not ruminating, really. I'm grateful she didn't call back. If she's still drinking, then she probably forgot I ever called. Or she figures one of the kids did it. Doesn't really matter. She hasn't tried to contact me and her number is still blocked. If my grandmother asks again, I'll tell her that I tried, but I also know how AM's been treating my sister, so I would hope she could respect my desire to not be asked to contact her again.

My sister and I couldn't be any more different and don't even really like each other, but she doesn't deserve to be called and cursed at. For the first time in her life she's actually happy. She deserves that.
NWGRITS is offline  
Old 03-23-2015, 09:15 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
My mom called me Friday, she found my work number and left a message there (I have her blocked on my personal phone). She said she just wanted to get my daughter's address for an audition she saw information about. Then she said she would like my new number (she doesn't know she's blocked) for any "emergencies". HA - her "emergencies" are why I blocked her number LOL. The interesting thing about that call was that I didn't realize it was her number, so I just started playing the voice mail and when I realized it was her I did NOT get that clenching gut wrenching anxiety I used to get, I got a little of it but nothing like it used to be. YAY!
ajarlson is offline  
Old 03-23-2015, 01:53 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
seasaw's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Originally Posted by ajarlson View Post
My mom called me Friday, she found my work number and left a message there (I have her blocked on my personal phone). She said she just wanted to get my daughter's address for an audition she saw information about. Then she said she would like my new number (she doesn't know she's blocked) for any "emergencies". HA - her "emergencies" are why I blocked her number LOL. The interesting thing about that call was that I didn't realize it was her number, so I just started playing the voice mail and when I realized it was her I did NOT get that clenching gut wrenching anxiety I used to get, I got a little of it but nothing like it used to be. YAY!
Ugh, this totally took me back to all the times my mom would try to get in touch with my through my SO, friends, or by contacting me at my WORK if I didn't get back to her 'fast enough'. So inappropriate. Didn't matter how many times I told her never to call me at my job(s). Boundaries? What are those? *eyeroll*

I'm happy for you that you didn't get the Clench of Panic like before. I find that the longer I've been NC with mine, the more alleviation there is. The great eye from Lord of the Rings comes to mind!!!

Grits, I wanted to mention before - Crohns is so terrible, I have immense sympathy for anyone dealing with that on top of everything else life piles on. One of my good friends has been through all the different treatments and is in experimental treatments and trials now, is in and out of the hospital all the time... she doesn't even have kids. it's a really misunderstood, underestimated thing. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. Exhausting. Big big big hugs! It's just another reason I'm glad you're NC with your AM - you don't need anything or anyone dragging you down!!! #fucrohns!
seasaw is offline  
Old 03-23-2015, 02:01 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by ajarlson View Post
I just started playing the voice mail and when I realized it was her I did NOT get that clenching gut wrenching anxiety I used to get, I got a little of it but nothing like it used to be. YAY!
Major Progress!!! :-) ... Way to go!
MikeH is offline  
Old 04-14-2015, 11:18 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Holy! I'm surprised you called her! I think you definitely lucked out that she didn't answer.
Stung is offline  
Old 04-16-2015, 12:15 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Bunnies!
Thread Starter
 
NWGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I'm sorry I've been MIA. I spent a week in the hospital from 3/31-4/8, and have been trying to just get by since then. I've made one or two posts on the site, but really haven't even been reading. I did end up taking to my mother the day I was discharged from the hospital. She's a dry drunk, at best. I told her I simply couldn't do a relationship with her any form, and that I wished her well in life. That was it. I'm done.

Yes, Crohn's is a real pain in the ass to deal with. The good news is I may have been misdiagnosed and really have Ulcerative Colitis instead. I still have IBD, but now I might have *options* in how I deal with it. I could potentially have surgery to be "cured", but that comes with its own side effects and complications. I have many appointments in the near future to figure these things out. Hopefully I can stay out of the ER (had to go Sunday due to insane amounts of pain in my strictured bowel - I was discharged with no pain medication) and off the ward. Hospitals are hopelessly boring places to be stuck.
NWGRITS is offline  
Old 04-16-2015, 09:51 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
Hang in there NWGRITS. I don't think I would want a relationship with my mom even if she got sober, it's quite strengthening to me (and I suspect others here) to read your posts and gain insight from your experiences. Thanks for that and hope you're feeling better.
ajarlson is offline  
Old 04-16-2015, 04:01 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
If a person doesn't lift your spirit up, or feel like someone that's really in your corner cheering you on, or saying, "awww" when you're feeling down (ya know, like a cheering section of fans for a sports team), why would you want them around?

Instead of asking a person why they estrange themselves from their "FAAMILY", I would like to ask, "why not?". For me, what exactly has my two siblings brought into my life? My wife and I have struggled in having a child for over almost 5 years - what to say? NOTHING. I have gotten sober and struggle. What to say? NOTHING. The only thing they have to offer...approval. That's it. Approval. How do I get it? bow down to their rules, trash my wife and leave her behind, and accept their beliefs about my life and probably...shut the hell up. What do I get in return? more of the same spiritually destructive abuse. Sorry, but no thanks. If a little child was being attacked by a tiger, why would you stop for even a second to get them out of there? THat's how I see the situation. My little inner child is being attacked directly and I AM THE ONLY ONE who can step in and say, "that's enough." this mauling is over. I'm walking away.
thotful is offline  
Old 04-19-2015, 02:07 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
seasaw's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Hey grits! Sorry you were in the hospital!! I saw this thread come up again on my phone while I was traveling but I thought it was a new similar thread and I was started to get a little worried about you! Not that you have to be some Pillar of NC for the rest of us... but your resolve definitely has helped me find my resolve at times. You ended up talking to her! My heart kind of races just hearing that. I wonder if I would talk to mine if I was in the hospital. All kinds of hypotheticals come to mind that I don't even feel like considering.
seasaw is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:16 AM.