NWGRITS

I called my AM today. She didn't answer. I didn't leave a message. She didn't call back.

I was talking to my grandmother earlier this afternoon and she told me she talked to AM and "She sounded really good, Meg. She actually wanted to talk, and we talked for a long time. She asked about the kids and I told her they're doing well. Then she asked about you, and I told her you've been having problems. She asked if it was your Crohn's and I said yes. She asked if you were ok, and I think she genuinely meant it. Please call her. Don't hold a grudge."

I followed that by telling her that I'm not holding a grudge. I forgave my mother a while ago. I'm still working through my anger and resentment with the rest of the adults responsible for my welfare, but that's nothing to do with AM. I've gotten tidbits through the grapevine that AM hasn't been well. Last I knew she was in a nursing home learning how to walk again. I don't know what happened, and I honestly don't care. Her life choices have consequences and that's her thing. Supposedly though, she's been sober a while now and has been reaching out to family in earnest, not to manipulate or pass blame (the usual MO's we know all too well). I rushed the end of the call but told my grandmother I'd think about calling AM. No promises, no guilt if I didn't. It's been nearly three years. I can handle a few more (or an eternity) not hearing from her. But something in me said to call. If she answered, then I'd be genuine in asking how she is. If she was drunk, I'd hang up and continue on as normal. But she didn't answer. And a part of me was honestly disappointed. Not in that "Let's see if she's snockered" way, but genuinely disappointed. As much as I know I can live life without her, there will always be that tiny seed of hope that one day she'll get it together. I know I won't be able to have a relationship with her (entirely too much water almost washing out the bridge, and too much growth to risk the possible collapse if she drank again), and I'm ok with that.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, if anywhere. Part of me - that ugly part with all the pride and sh*t - is frustrated with myself for even doing it. I really don't have anything to say and still wouldn't show up at her funeral. Maybe just knowing that she got it somewhat together can help me in some way in my own recovery without opening a whole can of worms. I don't know. I honestly don't know. I don't think I'm expecting feedback on this. I just needed to get it out somewhere so that it's not rolling around in my head. When I told Mr. Grits about it not too long ago when he got home from work, he looked at me like I'd completely lost it and asked if I was feeling masochistic, because salad greens would be a perfectly viable option at the moment (with a Crohn's flare, greens are pretty much asking to go to the ER). The thought of me ending up hurt didn't even factor in, though. Is this growth? Is this what it feels like when you've released a person from your life and they no longer cause you pain?

I honestly don't know if I'd pick up the phone now if she called again, and her number is still on Auto-Reject.