Originally Posted by
allthatsgood 
I'm sitting here wondering how much longer I'm going to allow myself to stay on this emotional roller coaster that has been going on for close to 5 years. I thought my 25 yr old son was back on the road to recovery after relapsing almost 3 months ago and me finding out about a month ago. How did I find out? I slipped back into my old detective role that I thought I gave up years ago. And it was those techniques that led me to find out yesterday that either he could not stay away after detoxing or that he never really detoxed. Either way, it doesn't matter. The bottom line is he is using again and denying it. These relapses,after so much time (1 year generally), hit me harder and harder. I want to walk away from all of this but I still have not learned how to let go. I read the posts from Gardenmama, ilovemysonjj, Ann and so many other moms with invaluable wisdom and all I want to do right now is orchestrate his recovery by reaching out to the people he should be reaching out to. I know I can stop the madness I just don't know how to get myself to do it. I've done it before and have seen how it helps but like I said this time around it's even harder. Thank you for letting me share.
I started counseling for ME and just had my second session today. It has helped so much already in only 2 visits. I just told her today that knowing what needs to be done is one thing but actually doing it is the hard part.
She gave me practical suggestions like examples of boundaries and who to call for resources. Some really nuts and bolts stuff.
Examples: I never knew there were so many sober living houses in our area or exactly what they entailed. I never knew there was an actual agency in our area that will coordinate what my son needs to do and then keep track of him doing it (called case management services).
For me, I have trouble with the concept of kicking him out of the house (was out for 2 years then came back). She listened to what my fears were, said I was making excuses for him, and gave me ideas for accomplishing my goal of getting him out of my house that made sense to me. She also shot down some of my excuses (very nicely) and outlined what she would do if she were me and why. This was soooo helpful. It was different than hearing "take care of yourself". It was more like "Here are some ideas HOW to accomplish this." More like examples or possibilities not 'do it my way' and along with the resources it is sounding way less daunting. Plus it feels very cool to have someone 'just for me' to handle this.
I guess I'm suggesting counseling for you to help you through the hard parts. I just wish I had done this years ago!
Good luck, Kari