It's not recovery - it's another relapse

Old 03-17-2015, 04:56 PM
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It's not recovery - it's another relapse

I'm sitting here wondering how much longer I'm going to allow myself to stay on this emotional roller coaster that has been going on for close to 5 years. I thought my 25 yr old son was back on the road to recovery after relapsing almost 3 months ago and me finding out about a month ago. How did I find out? I slipped back into my old detective role that I thought I gave up years ago. And it was those techniques that led me to find out yesterday that either he could not stay away after detoxing or that he never really detoxed. Either way, it doesn't matter. The bottom line is he is using again and denying it. These relapses,after so much time (1 year generally), hit me harder and harder. I want to walk away from all of this but I still have not learned how to let go. I read the posts from Gardenmama, ilovemysonjj, Ann and so many other moms with invaluable wisdom and all I want to do right now is orchestrate his recovery by reaching out to the people he should be reaching out to. I know I can stop the madness I just don't know how to get myself to do it. I've done it before and have seen how it helps but like I said this time around it's even harder. Thank you for letting me share.
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Old 03-17-2015, 05:39 PM
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I am so sorry, but each time it gets harder the closer we come to letting go.

It's good to have a list of places that can give him real help, I used to give my son a meeting list, a list of detoxes (there were 4 in Toronto at the time), and the Salvation Army number (they offer free rehab and a very good program).

I don't blame you for snooping, I was Queen Detective in my day, but I soon realized than I "knew" and didn't need proof of anything.

I can't tell you what to do, you know the drill and you know what it right for you.

But I will offer prayers up for your son...and for you too. Being the mother of an addict is not for weenies.

Hugs
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Old 03-17-2015, 05:49 PM
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Originally Posted by allthatsgood View Post
I'm sitting here wondering how much longer I'm going to allow myself to stay on this emotional roller coaster that has been going on for close to 5 years. I thought my 25 yr old son was back on the road to recovery after relapsing almost 3 months ago and me finding out about a month ago. How did I find out? I slipped back into my old detective role that I thought I gave up years ago. And it was those techniques that led me to find out yesterday that either he could not stay away after detoxing or that he never really detoxed. Either way, it doesn't matter. The bottom line is he is using again and denying it. These relapses,after so much time (1 year generally), hit me harder and harder. I want to walk away from all of this but I still have not learned how to let go. I read the posts from Gardenmama, ilovemysonjj, Ann and so many other moms with invaluable wisdom and all I want to do right now is orchestrate his recovery by reaching out to the people he should be reaching out to. I know I can stop the madness I just don't know how to get myself to do it. I've done it before and have seen how it helps but like I said this time around it's even harder. Thank you for letting me share.
This stood out:

I know I can stop the madness I just don't know how to get myself to do it.
What would you say if I told you that it is as simple as deciding to stop the madness, and then following through on that decision with choices that reinforce it?

Something for you to ponder...be safe, and God bless you and your son.

Last edited by zoso77; 03-17-2015 at 05:51 PM. Reason: Non sensical sentence needed fixing.
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Old 03-17-2015, 06:02 PM
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Zoso I think it is fear but then again I'm not even sure. My emotions and feelings are running all over the place.
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Old 03-17-2015, 06:31 PM
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My heart goes out to you tonight. Big hugs. I will write you more later on tonight or tomorrow. Hang in there. You know the drill, as Ann said. We have our relapses, too!
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Old 03-17-2015, 06:35 PM
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Originally Posted by allthatsgood View Post
Zoso I think it is fear but then again I'm not even sure. My emotions and feelings are running all over the place.
I know you're afraid. It's perfectly understandable and normal.

Lean on our moms during this time. When you're ready to make that jump, you'll know. It'll be on your time table.

Keep us posted.
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Old 03-17-2015, 07:16 PM
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Hello my dear ATG, there has never been a day I didn't have fear, but what I learned (I am a VERY slow learner), is that my futile attempts to control this monster have never ever ever (repeat EVER as many times as you can!) worked to MY Benefit. It is never easy to deal with this horrible feeling, but I continue to realize that I have never been more than a hindrance to JJ's path. Yes, I have picked up the pieces and I have looked the other way and all of the things this insanity of codependence allows. I realize longer and longer that my hopes and dreams of having a NORMAL relationship will probably NEVER EVER (repeat again!) happen on my actions. I love my son with my whole heart, but it has never EVER (repeat again!) helped me through this drama in terms of when its over. I am still not sure at all about my future with JJ. My relapse occurs from jumping back into rescue mode, and I pray I never (EVER (repeat again!) do it without some solid recovery (from us both).
It is fine to assist our sober children when they stumble, its horrible to try and expect the same results with our Addicted children.
I understand and sending prayers to you.
TT
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Old 03-17-2015, 07:23 PM
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Allthatsgood,
that first step seems the hardest to take.

my thoughts are with you... hugs.
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Old 03-17-2015, 07:28 PM
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Do you have any face-to-face meetings in your area (ideally, Nar-anon, but if not available, Al-Anon)? Nar-anon has helped me tremendously. I have found that my journey to recovery is just that, a journey. It doesn't happen overnight and there are times when I get stuck or take detours or backtrack. I have learned that words and advice do no good with my addict son. He has been in and out of recovery and nothing he has done, good or bad, was because of my efforts. Recognizing that I am not in control was hard; there are still times when I think that there must be something I can do or say to flip the switch and give him permanent recovery. What has helped me are Nar-anon meetings, prayer, yoga, and occupying myself with things that I enjoy such as reading and getting outside to walk. Sorry for what you are going through and wishing you peace and healing.
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Old 03-18-2015, 04:51 PM
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Ann, Zoso, Gardenmama, Ilovemyson, chicory and maybe THANK YOU! THANK YOU! All of you have either made statements or asked questions that require me to take a closer look at myself and figure out why I am having so much trouble with letting go. I am still processing these thoughts that are racing through my mind and trying to get honest with myself. In the past, I didn't have all the information and wisdom about addiction which I learned 100% here on SR. but now I do and part of my fear is that I can not reconcile having my son in my life knowing he is actively using. This is what scares me so much about his relapse. If he isn't going to try to get back into recovery via rehab and the sober house I don't know if I can continue our relationship. And right now I'm not sure he is done. I think he thinks he can continue using and it won't get that bad. He still has the job, money etc. the sadness of all of this is weighing heavily on me. I respect all the programs out there and have been a handful of times long ago. Maybe I need to give it a try again.
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Old 03-18-2015, 05:42 PM
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Originally Posted by allthatsgood View Post
I'm sitting here wondering how much longer I'm going to allow myself to stay on this emotional roller coaster that has been going on for close to 5 years. I thought my 25 yr old son was back on the road to recovery after relapsing almost 3 months ago and me finding out about a month ago. How did I find out? I slipped back into my old detective role that I thought I gave up years ago. And it was those techniques that led me to find out yesterday that either he could not stay away after detoxing or that he never really detoxed. Either way, it doesn't matter. The bottom line is he is using again and denying it. These relapses,after so much time (1 year generally), hit me harder and harder. I want to walk away from all of this but I still have not learned how to let go. I read the posts from Gardenmama, ilovemysonjj, Ann and so many other moms with invaluable wisdom and all I want to do right now is orchestrate his recovery by reaching out to the people he should be reaching out to. I know I can stop the madness I just don't know how to get myself to do it. I've done it before and have seen how it helps but like I said this time around it's even harder. Thank you for letting me share.
I started counseling for ME and just had my second session today. It has helped so much already in only 2 visits. I just told her today that knowing what needs to be done is one thing but actually doing it is the hard part.

She gave me practical suggestions like examples of boundaries and who to call for resources. Some really nuts and bolts stuff.

Examples: I never knew there were so many sober living houses in our area or exactly what they entailed. I never knew there was an actual agency in our area that will coordinate what my son needs to do and then keep track of him doing it (called case management services).

For me, I have trouble with the concept of kicking him out of the house (was out for 2 years then came back). She listened to what my fears were, said I was making excuses for him, and gave me ideas for accomplishing my goal of getting him out of my house that made sense to me. She also shot down some of my excuses (very nicely) and outlined what she would do if she were me and why. This was soooo helpful. It was different than hearing "take care of yourself". It was more like "Here are some ideas HOW to accomplish this." More like examples or possibilities not 'do it my way' and along with the resources it is sounding way less daunting. Plus it feels very cool to have someone 'just for me' to handle this.

I guess I'm suggesting counseling for you to help you through the hard parts. I just wish I had done this years ago!

Good luck, Kari
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Old 03-18-2015, 06:04 PM
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Kari this is exactly what I think I need. When you went on your Insurance site (assuming you did) how did you look up the therapist? Addiction therapist? Thank you for responding to my post and I hope you find the answers you are looking for as well. Hugs fro one mom to another.
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Old 03-18-2015, 08:19 PM
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ATG, here's what I have done to find a good fit with a therapist: I look at Psychology Today's Find A Therapist tool and then choose from specialization areas, my location, etc. Then you can see which of them is covered by your insurance. It may take a little bit of time, but in my experience it has been worth it--I found a great therapist.

https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/
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