Brigzy ..... no one makes us feel anything. We train our emotions. We've all done things that we feel badly about. To me, guilt is the worst emotion. Losing my bf last week was the end of everything. The call that you never think will come. I could tell you all the things I should not have done. I could tell you all the things that I should have done but in the end, none of it matters.
I can go forward today and make the best decision I know how to and for all the right reasons. I can forgive myself and addiction. It's not going to be easy. Nothing worth having ever is.
So, if it makes any difference ... forgive yourself, accept where you have landed, and start taking your life back. You son deserves a mom who is proud of her life. He will emulate you. He will grow as your pride grows. You have a choice for him to look up to and be exposed to his addicted father - or - to be happy with his fabulous mom
Best wishes to you, we are hear listening, hoping, praying .... for you and your son.