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New enabler needs help :/

Old 03-14-2015, 07:06 AM
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New enabler needs help :/

I've been an enabler for a little over 3 years now.. I've enabled so much that I don't know how to stop..

I bought my husband everything he owns. I thought it was an investment into our future.. I thought if he was happy he'd stay away from drugs.. I was wrong. He had a good 9 months under his belt this last time.. But when he messed up this time it was a serious financial hit.. One I won't fix and I need help fixing my other mistakes now.

I bought him a bucket truck, dump truck, chipper, boat, 4 wheeler, saws and equipment, a new truck when we got married 2 years ago.. I bought our home. He hasn't brought much to the table.. Maybe 7k total in 3 years.. I know I messed up.

Last time he said he wanted help and my heart broke. I took him on vacation to Florida to detox, I drug tested often to keep him on the straight and narrow. But the tests got less and less frequent and then he started not having to pee.. Then he would lie about not peeing for days! Like anyone could not pee for 5 days.. So I told him to pee or leave. Of course it was thrown on me. I didn't trust him, I ruined our marriage, I track him, I keep him away from his friends and family.. Etc all lies.. I was starting to trust him, that's why the tests were a month and a half apart, I don't track him, I never kept him from his friends and family, he did. Because every single one of them uses drugs :/

Anyways, he left and said he'd prove he was a good man and was worthy to be a father and husband.. and then he was gone 19 days. He spent 7k on his credit cards, forged papers to show fake income to get a new truck financed, forged my name on the documents. Got a 12% interest car loan and $650 truck payments.. Then came home the next day. Where it turns out he bought a bad truck lol the engine blew on day one and he decided not to get the warranty since there were only 71k miles on a diesel truck.. So now he has a 6k bill at the mechanic and I won't pay for it.

His other truck I bought with cash on the second day we were married is in my name only. Would it be wrong of me to take it while he is sleeping, hide it and then sell it? Indiana is not a 50/50 state so if legal crap happened I can show receipts of the fact I bought everything and paid every bill. He has a job now that he won't be able to get to but I feel he bought this huge debt and stress he should live with the fact his new baby is broken. Not go back to the truck I bought him and he has destroyed.. It was 40k 2 years ago.. Now it's worth maybe 15k :/ anyways, I don't feel I should watch him drive in my truck, nodding off at the wheel cause he's so damn high. My money shouldn't be used to take him to get drugs. But I also can't stand being a ***** (damn enablers!)

He's going to be mad.. He will lose it.. I might lose him but right now I already feel like I have. During that 19 days it was our 2 year anniversary. He came home a total of 3 times during that time. 2 times after 1 am to sleep and then leave at 6:30am and then on our anniversary he showed up and took me for ice cream but then had to leave an hour later to plow snow (yet another 10k I spent on him for the plow). During that time we couldn't even talk since he nods off every 2 seconds.. Literally. It was also my kids bday during that time. He promised my son he'd bring him his bday cake and hang out with him. He said he was on his way and then never showed up.. My kid cried himself to sleep. Then the next day he said he thought that day was his bday and not the day before and he took off work just to be with him that day.. No call, no show.. Kid cried himself to sleep again.. He didn't even bother saying happy birthday to him til a week later..

So, I pretty much hate my husband for hurting us sooo badly! But I miss my amazing husband so much and keep thinking he's still there somewhere. Even though the last week he's been here we can't talk at all since he nods off every freqkin 2 seconds the whole time!! And it's even worse cause when he revives he says he's fine and keeps trying to talk or trying to have sex or trying to participate.. Why doesn't he just give up and go to bed!! And I want to punch him in the nose cause he nods off and all I see is powder caked all over his stupid nose..

Sorry this ended up more as a rant. Should I take my truck? It seems the only logical answer to me so he can hit rock bottom :/ he's out of money and all his credit cards are maxed out. Not much more he can do..
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Old 03-14-2015, 08:55 AM
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I would immediately seek legal advise and separate and secure YOUR assets to stop the bleeding. You may be fully responsible for his debts, all of his debts depending on the laws in your state.
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Old 03-14-2015, 09:04 AM
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Brigzy,
I'm so sorry for what has brought you here. I know you and your son have got to be hurt.
I think you need to talk to a lawyer....ASAP. I'm concerned with your responsibility in all this mess. You stated that he forged your name on documents for the new truck so are you going to be expected to pay for it? Personally, I would not want him driving a vehicle that was in my name. If he is nodding off, it seems like it is only a matter of time until he will be in or cause a serious accident.
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Old 03-14-2015, 09:53 AM
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Brigzy, do get a lawyer! Protect yourself and your child.
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Old 03-14-2015, 12:10 PM
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Brigzy...

Welcome to the Board. I'm grateful that atalose, Jaeger, and INgal beat me to the punch in greeting you and have provided you with some solid direction on how to proceed going forward.

But I also think there is a larger lesson to be learned in all of this. The good news is you recognize that you've done your AH and yourself no favors. To be honest, I believe you've treated him like a child:

I bought him a bucket truck, dump truck, chipper, boat, 4 wheeler, saws and equipment, a new truck when we got married 2 years ago.. I bought our home. He hasn't brought much to the table.. Maybe 7k total in 3 years..
This doesn't sound like a marriage to me. There was one invested partner in your marriage: you. You can't buy another person's recovery or commitment. This is hard, brutal and painful lesson you've had to learn, and I'm sorry that you've had to go through this.

So, I pretty much hate my husband for hurting us sooo badly! But I miss my amazing husband so much and keep thinking he's still there somewhere. Even though the last week he's been here we can't talk at all since he nods off every freqkin 2 seconds the whole time!! And it's even worse cause when he revives he says he's fine and keeps trying to talk or trying to have sex or trying to participate.. Why doesn't he just give up and go to bed!! And I want to punch him in the nose cause he nods off and all I see is powder caked all over his stupid nose..
Brigzy, from this description, there is nothing amazing about your husband. Nothing. He has taken advantage of everything you've done and he won't accept any responsibility for the spot he's put you in. He has chosen drugs over you and your son. The question is what are you prepared to do about it?

Stick around...keep your eyes and mind open...learn everything you can while you're here...and most importantly, do not be in denial about what you're up against.

Again, Welcome to the Board.
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Old 03-14-2015, 12:21 PM
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You need to see a lawyer and protect yourself. You also need to seek legal advice regarding his forged documents, especially now that you know about it. You might have some liability to report it.

No one can tell YOU what to do, but if I were in your position, I'd get legal advice asap, separate myself from this man permanently, and I'd even consider pressing charges against him and reporting the forged documents, all after seeking legal advice, of course.

So sorry you are going through this. He doesn't deserve another dime, or you.
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Old 03-14-2015, 12:40 PM
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That's what I was afraid of.. I don't know why it hurts so bad to have to take it all back and lose him. You would think it would be easy. I feel like an idiot for hurting haha but I guess he did a great job turning the tables and making me feel guilty. I should probably seek counseling as well :/ it's going to be a long road for me.

Thank you guys for responding. It feels better knowing I'm making the right choices here and not just giving up.
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Old 03-15-2015, 06:01 AM
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Brigzy ..... no one makes us feel anything. We train our emotions. We've all done things that we feel badly about. To me, guilt is the worst emotion. Losing my bf last week was the end of everything. The call that you never think will come. I could tell you all the things I should not have done. I could tell you all the things that I should have done but in the end, none of it matters.

I can go forward today and make the best decision I know how to and for all the right reasons. I can forgive myself and addiction. It's not going to be easy. Nothing worth having ever is.

So, if it makes any difference ... forgive yourself, accept where you have landed, and start taking your life back. You son deserves a mom who is proud of her life. He will emulate you. He will grow as your pride grows. You have a choice for him to look up to and be exposed to his addicted father - or - to be happy with his fabulous mom

Best wishes to you, we are hear listening, hoping, praying .... for you and your son.
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Old 03-18-2015, 03:31 AM
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I have made some progress! He asked for $40 the other day and even though I had it I said no. He tried to play the I'll get money and pay you back tomorrow card and he'll just be wasting gas borrowing money from someone else and the how am I going to get to work with no gas crap.. But I held firm. It was sooo hard. That was the day after I posted here. Things changed a lot since then. He almost had me trusting in him again for some stupid reason I'm so gullible. I still didn't budge and give him anything at all this week. He was honest about using drugs every day but the last 2 days he said he didn't cause he was going to change.. I looked up his nose. Yup.. Another lie. And the paranoid person I am went searching his passed out body and I'm pretty sure I found track marks as well on his forearms. I found the papers he forged to get the truck he bought. Turns out he also forged my name on them. Those papers are safe with me now. Friday he is supposed to get a big check.. Pay some bills. Then I'll be taking the truck I bought and calling the cops. I'm done being screwed with.. He was also honest about how he'd been using drugs for a while and had stored clean pee in the basement to pass the tests I gave him.. He is such a manipulator! I can't wait to be done with this..
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Old 03-18-2015, 03:58 AM
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"So I told him to pee or leave. Of course it was thrown on me. I didn't trust him, I ruined our marriage, I track him, I keep him away from his friends and family.. Etc all lies.. I was starting to trust him, that's why the tests were a month and a half apart, I don't track him, I never kept him from his friends and family, he did."

Dear one, if there was ever a group of people who know what giving your all just to have it thrown in your face and be lied on its this one. Time to get reeeeeeeeeeeel selfish. Lawyer up, protect whatever assets you can. Don't worry about him being mad and losing him. You lost him years ago to addiction and they get mad no matter what. Has your kindness and generosity kept him from forging documents because he wanted more? Nope. (((Hugs)))
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Old 03-24-2015, 11:43 AM
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Sorry you are going through this with your husband....the others have given some solid guidance.

I would suggest that you get some help regarding codependency/enabling in a counseling setting; alanon; narcanon; etc.

Educate yourself on addiction (read some of the stickies above) and perhaps pick up a book. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is a classic.

You husband is in there alright but you never know if/when he will appear-you need to learn to protect yourself/son emotionally, financially, etc.
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Old 03-24-2015, 10:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Jaeger View Post
Brigzy,
I'm so sorry for what has brought you here. I know you and your son have got to be hurt.
I think you need to talk to a lawyer....ASAP. I'm concerned with your responsibility in all this mess. You stated that he forged your name on documents for the new truck so are you going to be expected to pay for it? Personally, I would not want him driving a vehicle that was in my name. If he is nodding off, it seems like it is only a matter of time until he will be in or cause a serious accident.
No matter how well intended the gesture definitely get those vehicles out of your name. If you want to pay for them that's one thing including enabling but owning the vehicle is another. Letting a known alkie drive them is liability in itself.

It's tough when people think they are letting a known alkie or addict "borrow" their vehicle for good reasons because convincing them not to loan it is a project. Especially if they don't know for sure the person already had a dui or doesn't have a diagnosed problem. You literally have to spell it out for them.

Alkies/addicts look at "borrowing" money like borrowing a pen. There's a good chance you won't get it back. The problem is the alkie/addict can look at 10s of thousands of dollars as a pen. It's just a thing or tool to them. Same for a car. They look at it like they just borrowed a screw driver, a tool. The car is nothing but a tool to transport them around for what ever.

If one feels they must get a vehicle for an alkie/addict make sure it goes into their name. Paying for it is one thing. Owning it is another ie a huge liability. And if the alkie is caught lying or forging a document that is proof and reason enough to cut off all aid. Their are probably some sober character issues as well.
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Old 03-25-2015, 03:37 PM
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Even if your not ready for divorce at this time, please consult a lawyer. Tell him about the forgery. You need legal advice. Take that truck and sell it. Cash out what you can and put all of it into a bank account in your name only. You might want to at least consider a legal separation. I'm afraid this guy is going to plow through your money and create so much debt that if you end up having to divorce him, you'll never dig out of it. Trust me, even if he were ordered to pay half the debt in the event of a divorce, there's little that can be done to enforce it if he doesn't pay so that's not something you could count on later. Creditors also don't have to follow divorce decrees so can go after the other spouse if one doesn't pay. I don't want him to ruin your credit or your good name.
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