I totally get where you are coming from. I have such a sadness over the loss my boys have to live with.
IME it does no good to try and orchestrate things. It just causes discontent, disappointment, builds expectations that are not met, etc.
It is hard though. I still sometimes struggle with what to advocate for and what to let go. 99% of things I know to let go. Even all these years later and I'm still having a hard time figuring something out regarding summer plan requests. I might make a post about it later.