Need to vent

Old 03-13-2015, 08:08 AM
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lizatola's Avatar
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Need to vent

My X(what do I call him now: STBXAH??) has not had our son over for a night once since I moved out a month ago. I think our son has been over there for about 3 hours one afternoon and all their other time together has circled around X picking him up here at my house, taking him to a tennis lesson, then going out to Chipotle (they haven't gone anywhere else nor has X cooked for him), and then son getting dropped back off here with me.

There was the one time when X had both our son and the dog and he chose to have the dog spend the night but not our son.

Anyhoo, I'm not sure what I'm venting about but I think my mama bear in me kicks in and I wonder if our son feels abandonment or rejected by his dad? I haven't really probed things with our son too much yet as I was trying to let him get adjusted to just being out and us being on our own but now that a month has passed I might start touching on it.

Also, I noticed that the only communication our son gets from X is text messages, never a phone call. I know that their relationship is their business and since we're in this limbo phase before the divorce is final, there really isn't a parenting plan in place. Honestly, though, we both have acknowledged that the parenting plan will be a moot point to some degree due to our son's hectic tennis and travel schedule and X's work travel and that we'll just have to work together.

I keep wondering if I should step in? Or should I just leave it be? Should I communicate with my son about this and just remind him that I'm here for him (which he probably already knows) and that I won't get in the way of him having a relationship with his father?

I feel like I'm floundering a bit because this is all so new to me. I don't want to step into anyone else's hula hoop but I also want to make sure I'm not slacking off when I need to step up and be an advocate. Does that make sense? Thoughts?
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Old 03-13-2015, 08:13 AM
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I know it feels awful, Liz, but their relationship is between them. And I wouldn't believe for a minute that your son does not know you are there for him if he needs to talk about it, but if you want to remind him, I don't see how it could hurt. But I wouldn't harp on it.
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Old 03-13-2015, 08:21 AM
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IME, let it be. Talk to your son if it warrants it, let it be a natural and easy and ongoing conversation between you. Don't mess with your ex. You can't control this, and you certainly can't convince him of his errors here. If I recall, he has a lot of narcissistic tendencies, so I'd naturally let his visitation time slow-fade, and keep your son away from his alcoholism and craziness.

There's a real silver lining to this cloud, and it's that with reduced visitation with your STBXAH your son isn't being exposed to the kinds of insanity that led you to divorce in the first place.
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Old 03-13-2015, 08:28 AM
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How much time did they spend together BEFORE the separation just hanging out together and talking? When I was young I VERY rarely hung out and talked to my dad. We just didn't have that kind of relationship. If my parents had separated (never any problems that I knew of--strictly hypothetical) I'd barely notice his absence, other than not seeing him at dinner. It wasn't tense/hostile, just the way my dad is.

I wouldn't worry about it, TBH.
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Old 03-13-2015, 08:39 AM
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Last week I drove my son to school early for a special event. We left early enough to swing in and feed him a fast food sandwich. As we circled the place, he realized one of his friends was inside with his father. He was SO excited and he said, "I haven't seen X's Dad in forever!" He was beyond delighted when we had time to go inside and eat and visit. I kept mum but noted he was more excited about seeing this dad than the friend.

Your boy may find other males to model. These are the things you don't tell your A. Even in recovery, my RAH has not really mastered emotional intimacy with me or DS.

Last edited by CodeJob; 03-13-2015 at 08:40 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 03-13-2015, 08:39 AM
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I totally get where you are coming from. I have such a sadness over the loss my boys have to live with.

IME it does no good to try and orchestrate things. It just causes discontent, disappointment, builds expectations that are not met, etc.

It is hard though. I still sometimes struggle with what to advocate for and what to let go. 99% of things I know to let go. Even all these years later and I'm still having a hard time figuring something out regarding summer plan requests. I might make a post about it later.
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