Cecilia,
I am sorry you're hurting. The pain we feel is very real.
As is often noted here on SR, we cannot provide medical advice. But I think it's within SR's rules to offer suggestions and mine for you is that you consult a mental health professional and talk about whether you're depressed. The consistent lowness you've expressed here indicates that it has to be within the realm of possibility.
And whether you receive such a diagnosis or not, drinking isn't helping one bit. You're pouring a depressant into your system.
So I hope you'll consider professional help. As for doing this on your own, I hear ya, sister. I'm in your age group and I, too, embarked upon the journey to sobriety and recovery alone. But, as you'll see from reading others' posts, having a significant other is no sure-fire guarantee to making our recovery easier or better. For many among us, it makes it harder, in fact. So remember -- the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.
When all is said and done, no one among us can rely upon others to fix us. Whether we're solo journeyers, surrounded by loving families or partners, or somewhere in between, we have to get sober on our own. People don't fix other people, period. It serves no good purpose to keep wishing otherwise.
This isn't the first time you've posted to share your frustration, including that you don't get more out of the fellowship on SR. Previous posts, too, have noted that you're drinking. I'm not sure that any ray of hope can penetrate the clouds as long as you continue drinking. And yes, the support we get here on SR is from people we couldn't pick out of a crowd. And sure, the hugs we get here are figurative ones. But they know the journey we're on, they understand the challenges. And while I can only speak for myself when I say that I get as much out of offering support as I do from receiving it, I honestly believe there is strength to be found in giving back.
Life as an alcoholic is really hard. Not long ago, someone here described it as being an agoraphobic in a decaying house, which I thought was really apt. When I got sober, my house -- that metaphor for my life -- became a more stable place. With time, it has become better, warmer.
I hope you can find that. It is within your reach, but you've got to put the bottle down to gain a fresh start.