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One more time ...

Old 03-09-2015, 06:34 PM
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One more time ...

So as I sit here drinking tonight I am filled with grief. Grief over the fact, I guess, that I didn't get what I wanted.

So what did I want? Someone to care. I always wanted that. Years ago, when I was a child, I would stand on my head to get any attention at all. My oldest sister told me I was "ignored as a child." She's right, I was.

You know, I know that I can quit. I really do. I just didn't want to do this on my own.

I was sober for 7 years and it was the lonliest time in my life. I am sure it will be again.

I reached out, then, to strangers, much like all of you. So much so, I started to hate my own family for making me a codependent (which I am, a really BIG one).

I never wanted to be the strong person, yet somehow, all my life, I have been acting as one. My family thinks I am. Drinking as I do, I am not sure if I believe it. They know I drink, no big surprise, yet I am so hesitant to ask for someone to really do anything for me. I don't really trust them anyhow. And when I do, their help is limited. They still can't do it for me and I know it.

Years ago, when I got sober at 30 (I am 45 years old now), I walked. That is what I used to do to replace my anger, frustration, emotional whatever, that is what I did instead of drinking. I can do it again. Even better, my dog that I have now can come with me.

But it s*cks, you know? Because in the end, no matter how many people you reach out to, it is still YOUR issue. No one can do it for me.

And I do, I want someone to do it for me. I want them to show me how much they love me. I suppose it goes back to my Dad being a drunk. I always wanted, no matter how hard I tried, for him to finally SHOW ME that he cared. He never did. He did quit drinking and I was just left flat. Much like I feel now.

After all the fanfare, all the drunken nights of BS, after so many efforts on my part to understand him, I thought I would earn something. Get something out of it. SOMETHING. Some attention, now please? Some, something. It didn't happen.

I never knew, I guess, when I was a child, that my life was so independent of others. In many ways, doing the "functional, working stuff," I knew it was easy, but emotionally, I was hoping for so much more. Emotionally, I thought someone would always "have my back." Come to find out, that isn't true either. (See, why I started drinking again after my boyfriend and I had a big problem).

It does s*ck, you know. That as many times as I post, as many times as I whatever, that my problem really is my own and my own to solve. And sharing here is just not enough. It just isn't. It's just a message board. I know, there are tons of people here with the same issue as me, but that doesn't make me feel connected. It just makes me feel like I am typing stuff to people I do not know or really care about. Now I understand why people believe in AA, or perhaps, God. Because if God isn't there for us, who is?

So can I do it in the end? Sure. I actually always knew I could. I just hate handling problems like this, on my own. I always hope, huge word there, for someone to save me. That would me show me they care and that would BE GREAT! It is hard to walk around in the world knowing that the only person who takes care of you, IS YOU.

I mean, I have never married, I have no children, I have my own business, my own house, all at a wage of a little over $10 an hour. I should feel good! But regardless of my accomplishments in life, it leaves me feeling flat. I have never had love. I even asked my mother years ago, "What is love?" This being when I was around 16 years old.

Maybe I really am a selfish alcoholic. A nongiver. A person who doesn't even know what love is, is pretty bad. Don't you think? And I still feel that way. I keep waiting and waiting for someone to show me what that is. And I mean show me, don't just tell me, show me. I have talked and talked and talked about all this sh*t my whole life, to my mom, to the exboyfriend, but none of them have DONE anything. It's all just words. Perhaps that is the reason this site doesn't help me that much. Sure, I love to read about everyone's problems, but they are words on a screen. That isn't action. It just isn't.

So, I guess I am done drinking now. I am tired of waiting for help. I am tired of posting on a message board site and reading posts that are not real hugs. They are not really fixing it. They are just kind words that I can take as advice, or not. Back to being lonely I guess. There is just me taking care of me, and I suppose, it was always that way.
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Old 03-09-2015, 06:52 PM
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As my dog runs around through the living room and I sit here drunk and haven't walked her today, but I am such a loving person. LOL. I guess I am just a selfish, wanting, idiot, who doesn't really appreciate what I have. Even if, she is just, a dog. I guess that is better than nothing.

And maybe I just do not accept what I have in my life. I can't help but hope for more. Hope my life isn't just about having a dog. It seems so sad and pathetic, but to who's standards, I guess, right? Except my own.
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Old 03-09-2015, 06:55 PM
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It does suck being the only one to take care of yourself. I want what you want. Someone to help and to hold my hand and make it all go away. My husband is pretty useless. When I signed on for marriage I thought it would be a partnership but it isn't. I'm toting the whole bale here. And I'm pretty darn tired of being the strong one. With stiff upper lip. The martyr, actually. I don't ask for help enough and don't do the things I need to take care of myself.

And I know my words are small comfort to you. Because I'm an anonymous stranger who knows where and these are just words on a screen but I think if you are a business owner and homeowner then you are a really pretty remarkable person.

Sometimes families just can't hear what we have to say. They can't give us what we want or need. They are just incapable of it. And sometimes they give but in ways that we don't need or understand or even recognize because it really is all they can give. Not everyone has great parents. My husband got shafted in that department. His are terrible. Mine are great but have very little understanding of alcoholism or addiction.

I hope posting here helped you a little. Reading what you wrote helped me think. You get to the point where you feel so brittle and stretched thin with worry and anger and despair that you very well may shatter into a million jagged pieces. But you keep on. Trudging forward. Keep reaching out. If this doesn't help you here, reach out in real life. Keep trying. Don't give up.
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Old 03-09-2015, 06:56 PM
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It is never "just, a dog"....they're family, too. You can do this, I know it. Hold on, and it will get better if you quit, I promise.
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Old 03-09-2015, 07:03 PM
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Not really true Flawed, sorry.

Did you read my post? I WAS SOBER for 7 years. Put my faith in myself, in God and in another human being. Was it better?

Not really, I guess, not for me. Because what I still wanted was more of emotional help then he could give me.

Back to believing in God ......
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Old 03-09-2015, 07:06 PM
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I always thought that if I did enough, someone would LOVE ME! Hello! What about me? Eh, not the case. I guess not. I just do not see it.

So, me and just me I guess. And God. Same as before. Nothing else around.
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Old 03-09-2015, 07:20 PM
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Cecilia,

I am sorry you're hurting. The pain we feel is very real.

As is often noted here on SR, we cannot provide medical advice. But I think it's within SR's rules to offer suggestions and mine for you is that you consult a mental health professional and talk about whether you're depressed. The consistent lowness you've expressed here indicates that it has to be within the realm of possibility.

And whether you receive such a diagnosis or not, drinking isn't helping one bit. You're pouring a depressant into your system.

So I hope you'll consider professional help. As for doing this on your own, I hear ya, sister. I'm in your age group and I, too, embarked upon the journey to sobriety and recovery alone. But, as you'll see from reading others' posts, having a significant other is no sure-fire guarantee to making our recovery easier or better. For many among us, it makes it harder, in fact. So remember -- the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.

When all is said and done, no one among us can rely upon others to fix us. Whether we're solo journeyers, surrounded by loving families or partners, or somewhere in between, we have to get sober on our own. People don't fix other people, period. It serves no good purpose to keep wishing otherwise.

This isn't the first time you've posted to share your frustration, including that you don't get more out of the fellowship on SR. Previous posts, too, have noted that you're drinking. I'm not sure that any ray of hope can penetrate the clouds as long as you continue drinking. And yes, the support we get here on SR is from people we couldn't pick out of a crowd. And sure, the hugs we get here are figurative ones. But they know the journey we're on, they understand the challenges. And while I can only speak for myself when I say that I get as much out of offering support as I do from receiving it, I honestly believe there is strength to be found in giving back.

Life as an alcoholic is really hard. Not long ago, someone here described it as being an agoraphobic in a decaying house, which I thought was really apt. When I got sober, my house -- that metaphor for my life -- became a more stable place. With time, it has become better, warmer.

I hope you can find that. It is within your reach, but you've got to put the bottle down to gain a fresh start.
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Old 03-09-2015, 07:23 PM
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I'm sorry for your pain, Cecilia44. I wish I could say something comforting. I know it would just be words on a screen, and you need more than that. I understand and empathize with you-have felt very similar feelings. Also 45, single, no kids, sometimes very lonely. I will be glad to listen, if you need an ear.
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Old 03-09-2015, 07:37 PM
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God is always there....you are never alone. Here is a prayer to you or anyone who needs it. We all feel lonely, nothing to be ashamed of, but please, drop the past and find your light.....its there.

Loving God,
there are times in each life
when there is no one.
No one with whom to share
a word,
a laugh,
a sad remembrance,
a gentle touch,
a fond embrace,
a kiss of love.
Bless each one who suffers
from such loneliness.
Enrich life with a friend
or gentle stranger
who will spend a moment
noticing
and loving.
In those times
your love shines through,
the world is reborn,
and Christ is known.
So be it!
Amen.

Vienna Cobb Anderson
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Old 03-09-2015, 07:51 PM
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Cecilia, I am sorry to hear that you're drinking tonight. What you do with your life, what you want to accomplish, whether you want to stay sober or not, is all up to you and you alone. We can't do that for you.
One of the things that helps me here, is people here help me understand alcoholism and make it so I can manage it myself better since I can learn from them. It also gives myself a virtual support system that I feel accountable towards. I think that is all it can be.

I don't know all of your history, other than you have had 7 years of sobriety, but it sounds like you need to reach out and connect with others. Why not volunteer, go to AA (or whatever group you have interest in), join a club of people for a hobby you enjoy, or even just pick up a hobby? You'll meet lots of people that way.
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Old 03-09-2015, 08:02 PM
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"I always thought that if I did enough, someone would LOVE ME! Hello!"

Sometimes people don't love us or even like us, no matter how hard we try. Sometimes we try too hard to be liked, to be noticed, to be loved that it's off putting to other people and it reeks of desperation. Sometimes we can't see the love that other people have for us because we don't love ourselves.

I've fallen into all three of the categories I described. It is miserable and lonely. I'm fifty and it took me that long to figure that out and I'm still learning. And I know you quit drinking for seven years and weren't entirely happy during those seven years. I'm sober now and have been for 15 months but I still have trouble liking myself or other people or believing they love or like me. And sometimes I don't let them love or like me because I put up a huge shield to guard myself from getting hurt but all it does it trap the pain inside.

That phrase "let go and let God" I think is very powerful. Letting go. Trust.
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Old 03-09-2015, 08:06 PM
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Cecilia I'm sorry you are feeling this way. The best thing you can do for yourself tonight is stop drinking, drink as much water as you comfortably can and go to bed. We have all been where you are now.

Venecia's suggestion of talking to a doctor is one I endorse.

As for SR posts not being " real hugs" if I may paraphrase Francis Pharcellus Church ....

Yes, Cecilia, those SR hugs are real. They exist as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy.
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Old 03-09-2015, 09:54 PM
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Once you're sober and healthy, if these feelings of loneliness continue (as it appears they did last time) why not reach out and volunteer? For a long time I was sad that I didn't have a large family of my own or children. Even while I was (secretly) drinking I decided to make an effort to spend more time with my nieces and nephews, and got involved in the Moose, Elks, and Eagles in my community. I'm not a "joiner" so I just took the plunge and started at once.

My 30 year old niece met me for dinner and a show last night, another nephew who's 24 just stopped by for dinner today - they're busy, young adults but we're very close because of years of activities. Being sober has just made everything even better.

I'm generally a "realist" - I'm an accountant, after all - but I truly believe that there's plenty of love to be had in the world. Just find a path that's comfortable for you and make your own happiness. Alcohol won't help in the slightest and will only exacerbate loneliness.
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Old 03-09-2015, 10:30 PM
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My wish for you is that you find a better way to deal than alcohol Cecilia.

I hope you find a healthy happy way to heal those old wounds and find your place in the world - you deserve it

I agree with Marcher too - you can play the cynic and say the hugs here are not real...but they really are.

The power of perfect strangers caring for me, and caring what happened to me was like a thundebolt, Cecilia.

It knocked me off my feet. That bought me to the first glimmerings of hope...maybe believing I had some self worth after all

You do too.

In the end it's down to us sure, but none of us needs to do this alone, Cecillia

D
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Old 03-09-2015, 11:34 PM
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Cecilia, that is a terrible lesson you learned growing up. You were a great scholar though: You learned the lesson, stuck with it, kept repeating it to yourself, used it as a guide through life. You were a good kid. But sometimes our teachers are just plain wrong, and we only seem to learn that when the damage is done.

The little girl, who so eagerly learned that no-one would care, is still with you, always has been. No wonder others don't see her: They see a strong, independent and hard working woman who does it all by herself! And you are all that as well. Only you feel the girl hiding behind yourself. You are the only adult the girl feels safe enough to hide behind. You know what she needs. You have her back. You always have, and always will. Don't let her hide behind you anymore, but take her by the hand, tell her you're sorry she grew up to feel so bad, show her she's safe now, show her you care.

She needs your love, your true love, so that she can learn to recognize it in others as well. You can talk to a professional to help you recognize when it's you or your little girl that needs some tlc.

All this always seemed so silly to me, foreign really. But I just met my little girl last week, after two months of sobriety, and told her I was sorry, I loved her, tucked her in safely, and put her to bed. That was all she really needed, for now. She'll wake up again, lonely, hungry, or having a bad dream, and then I'll be there for her again. I know what she needs, and I know I will never let her struggle by herself again, or give her away to others in hopes they would comfort her. I won't even let my dog stay with a dogsitter, so why did I not think twice about putting my own happiness in the hands of someone else?
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