Cecilia44

So as I sit here drinking tonight I am filled with grief. Grief over the fact, I guess, that I didn't get what I wanted.

So what did I want? Someone to care. I always wanted that. Years ago, when I was a child, I would stand on my head to get any attention at all. My oldest sister told me I was "ignored as a child." She's right, I was.

You know, I know that I can quit. I really do. I just didn't want to do this on my own.

I was sober for 7 years and it was the lonliest time in my life. I am sure it will be again.

I reached out, then, to strangers, much like all of you. So much so, I started to hate my own family for making me a codependent (which I am, a really BIG one).

I never wanted to be the strong person, yet somehow, all my life, I have been acting as one. My family thinks I am. Drinking as I do, I am not sure if I believe it. They know I drink, no big surprise, yet I am so hesitant to ask for someone to really do anything for me. I don't really trust them anyhow. And when I do, their help is limited. They still can't do it for me and I know it.

Years ago, when I got sober at 30 (I am 45 years old now), I walked. That is what I used to do to replace my anger, frustration, emotional whatever, that is what I did instead of drinking. I can do it again. Even better, my dog that I have now can come with me.

But it s*cks, you know? Because in the end, no matter how many people you reach out to, it is still YOUR issue. No one can do it for me.

And I do, I want someone to do it for me. I want them to show me how much they love me. I suppose it goes back to my Dad being a drunk. I always wanted, no matter how hard I tried, for him to finally SHOW ME that he cared. He never did. He did quit drinking and I was just left flat. Much like I feel now.

After all the fanfare, all the drunken nights of BS, after so many efforts on my part to understand him, I thought I would earn something. Get something out of it. SOMETHING. Some attention, now please? Some, something. It didn't happen.

I never knew, I guess, when I was a child, that my life was so independent of others. In many ways, doing the "functional, working stuff," I knew it was easy, but emotionally, I was hoping for so much more. Emotionally, I thought someone would always "have my back." Come to find out, that isn't true either. (See, why I started drinking again after my boyfriend and I had a big problem).

It does s*ck, you know. That as many times as I post, as many times as I whatever, that my problem really is my own and my own to solve. And sharing here is just not enough. It just isn't. It's just a message board. I know, there are tons of people here with the same issue as me, but that doesn't make me feel connected. It just makes me feel like I am typing stuff to people I do not know or really care about. Now I understand why people believe in AA, or perhaps, God. Because if God isn't there for us, who is?

So can I do it in the end? Sure. I actually always knew I could. I just hate handling problems like this, on my own. I always hope, huge word there, for someone to save me. That would me show me they care and that would BE GREAT! It is hard to walk around in the world knowing that the only person who takes care of you, IS YOU.

I mean, I have never married, I have no children, I have my own business, my own house, all at a wage of a little over $10 an hour. I should feel good! But regardless of my accomplishments in life, it leaves me feeling flat. I have never had love. I even asked my mother years ago, "What is love?" This being when I was around 16 years old.

Maybe I really am a selfish alcoholic. A nongiver. A person who doesn't even know what love is, is pretty bad. Don't you think? And I still feel that way. I keep waiting and waiting for someone to show me what that is. And I mean show me, don't just tell me, show me. I have talked and talked and talked about all this sh*t my whole life, to my mom, to the exboyfriend, but none of them have DONE anything. It's all just words. Perhaps that is the reason this site doesn't help me that much. Sure, I love to read about everyone's problems, but they are words on a screen. That isn't action. It just isn't.

So, I guess I am done drinking now. I am tired of waiting for help. I am tired of posting on a message board site and reading posts that are not real hugs. They are not really fixing it. They are just kind words that I can take as advice, or not. Back to being lonely I guess. There is just me taking care of me, and I suppose, it was always that way.