Originally Posted by
torquemax777 
Hmmm blue chair, I'm still confused about the "detaching while sober thing" other than to not "ask" or "try to figure out" if he's planning on drinking soon if I may suspect it, the way I used to. However, I am guilty of "admitting" later (when my suspicion isn't accurate). I'll say something to the effect of, " I'm proud/relieved that you didn't end up drinking today because I thought that you might have been tempted hanging out with so and so... " probably shouldn't even mention any of that. But when he's not drinking he usually mentions how grateful he is to be sober and how his desire is to never drink again. Usually, I just listen and nod and maybe ask thought provoking questions like a psychologist would do as in, " hmm... How does that make you feel? " or, " why do you suppose you react that way? " ect...
When he's drunk detachment has now become easy. I almost act as if he is invisible and refuse to speak unless ABSOLUTELY necessary, as in "excuse me, I need to get past you to go to the bathroom please." Or "please close the door is getting chilly in here." But I refuse to clean up or stop a mess he is making with the exception of him peeing in the fridge awhile back. I did shove him out of there and into the bathroom, only because that would also effect "my" eating for the rest of the week had he ruined it all (cheese/lunch meat drawer).
I no longer go looking for him if he goes to friends houses while drinking. However, I haven't mastered the "not" obcessing and grumbling about where he is and what might happen. Though, I have learned a trick; maybe not the best but it works for me: Nyquil. If I'm so drowsy I can't keep my eyes open, I can't worry and obcess about his whereabouts. He doesn't and won't cheat, but he will risk take, drunk drive, fight with guys.... Mostly these days I worry more about the legal technicalities like a DUI on the 4wheeeler or public intox ect... The fighting and driving the truck has been absent for a few years now but it's always been the little things that get him in trouble with the law.
I don't know, the detaching while he's sober is still somewhat of an enigma to me, but???
Thank you for breaking it down a little for me. I dont use alanon or the concept of detachment but I hear about it a lot on this forum and I want to understand the benefits.
I worked with a counselor and use community reinforcement family training approach. With this we say when a person is drunk or high for example and difficult to be around we temporarily disengage because when a person is in this state not a lot gets through to them usually and only causes us distress. But even if they are sporadically using as in a relapse mode its ok to stay engaged in their periods of sobriety, up to our own comfort level of course. And when a person is no longer using completely then we focus more on staying engaged, communication, positive reinforcements and these types of things. My husband has a year and a half now off of drugs, but since the start we have been very open. He would tell me if he was having a tough time, if he woke up with a using dream he would even try to explain. It was scary but I think our family counseling helped me learn how to cope and provide support to him. If something major happens or he was around some trigger Im ok asking how it made him feel and stuff. My husbands use was triggered by stress and lots of negative inner voice, things from past he needed to make peace with. Hes identified many of his triggers and in counseling they had us work on relapse plans and stuff. I dont try to tell him how to deal with it, hes learned those things with his doc, but sometimes I will make small suggestions based on past experiences.
I guess I keep going back to its a comfort thing for each of us. If it feels bad, causes either of us anxiety or lots of stress, creates distance, or a rift in the marriage we want to heal then I dont do those things, but otherwise I treat addiction like it was any other kind of medical problem and try to act my normal self.
Its a confusing topic with lots of considerations I think ive seen a lot of different views on the forum and Im guessing there's not really a wrong answer.