SeriousKarma

I'm curious as to how long it took others to understand the concept of detachment.

I know it took me a while.

I remember being handed a little piece of paper labeled "Detachment" at one of my first Alanon meetings. I looked at it with the best of intentions, and tried to read it, but all of the words sort of floated on the paper. It looked like english, but I swear it was written in a foreign language.

Over weeks and months I continued to go to meetings. The topic would occasionally come up. I would knowingly nod, but secretly I wasn't quite sure what the h*ll they were talking about.

About a year or so into my attending regular Alanon the subject came up for a newcomer. We handed her a copy of the same little slip of paper that I had been given. Someone read it out loud, and BAM!, suddenly it made perfect sense to me. In fact, I realized at that point that I had actually already been practicing it for a few months.

But I still can't articulate it to others. It comes up in the forum fairly regularly, and I just sit back and wait for someone better able than myself to post a response because I'm afraid I'm going to botch it.

I think it's so funny. Like a language that I picked up after living in a foreign country for a few years. I'm somewhat conversant, but by no means fluent.

It makes me wonder if others were the same way. Did you find it a difficult concept to grasp? Was there anything in particular that helped you get it? For me I think it was just time, dedication to a program, and a very patient, loving, and supportive Alanon family.

LexieCat

What made it the clearest to me was that it was the opposite of enmeshment with the other person. When you're enmeshed, you are like two cogs turning according to what the other one says or acts. When you disengage (and frankly, I don't equate that with "ignoring" as was posted in the other forum), it's like applying the clutch on a car. You can turn independently of what the other person is saying or doing. You can engage with other things, and other people, in a way that you would not be able to do if your gear was still engaged with the sick person's.

SparkleKitty

I was doing it before I knew it had a name. I had a lot of Codie recovery under my belt when I got involved with my XABF. I think I worked through the last bit of me that was hanging on to the belief that I could have changed my A Mom when I chose to get into that relationship, and it didn't last long. When I understood it was over, I detached naturally from his behavior while I made plans to end the relationship and get him out of my house. It was only after coming on here, about five years later, that I realized what it was called.

Thumper

I could not figure out healthy detachment w/in the framework of my marriage. Even now I don't entirely understand how that would have worked. I was hungry for detachment though and once we were apart it started happening (not instantly) and it was so freeing. I developed emotional boundaries in other relationships and it has been such a positive thing in my life.

Eauchiche

A series of books entitled "Getting Them Sober" were helpful for me. One of the things they pointed out was that "normal" families are not usually as "close" as dysfunctional families.

As I progress in my program, I have begun to see that healthy relationships are egalitarian, not the clingy controlling stuff I grew up with. Healthy relationships give us room to breathe, grow and be who we are.

SeriousKarma

My own need to understand the concept might actually have been helped along by the fact that, when I first heard the term, my daughter was reaching an age where she was starting to deserve more independence. I actually had to remind myself to detach from her more often then I did from my STBXAH. By that I mean I would try and let her make her own decisions and suffer her own consequences. (To a point, of course.)

Nothing like a teenager to remind you to step back and mind your own business. Anyway, it worked out for the both of us.

She had bit rougher time with the idea as it applied to her father. She was already in a deep place where she wasn't talking to him when she first started going to Alanon. She very much equated the word "detach" with "ignore". I'm not quite sure when she came around, but she's very different now. Again, I think it was just the steady support of caring people.

guava

Took me a while to get it and even now I'm not sure if I'm detaching correctly...but I see it as "observing" rather than "participating." I'll be pleasant enough and listen but I don't actively participate in the conversation/decision making/controlling/problem solving/emotional investment of whatever is going on in his life.

LemonGirl

Need more input myself. So far I'm barely able to practice not over thinking what he is doing. I just keep telling myself that it's none of my business and I'm becoming more aware of how my behavior is like an addiction... obsession. For now I am simply thinking through it and then taking a moment to breathe and let go...

torquemax777

I'm one of those "what's an example?" sort of people. Sometimes I wish there were more posts that either give a personal scenarios of detachment (or whatever else is confusing like boundaries) or even a few "made up" scenarios. That way me, or whoever else is confused could picture themselves in that very situation and then I think bells and lightbulbs start coming on like crazy.

Spalding

Torque, I get that feeling SO MUCH!

Karma, would you happen to have that slip of paper still? Could yo post it if you do (picture or type up, whichever is easiest)?

NWGRITS

I jumped straight from chaos to No Contact and worked backwards. That was easier for me because I could open up little bits as it suited me. I found a good balance with some FOO members, and then some are still on my NC list.

TJD912

When I detached from my almost XAH I was called cold and callous. Oh he tried desperately to re-engage me. "You're done with me aren't you?" he'd say. He's smart. He knew I could no longer do this thing we were calling marriage. But...it took me a long time to find the balance between ignoring and detaching. Sometimes I relapsed into co-dependency. Many times. Ultimately, I treated him like he was someone I was supporting as a friend...a friend who was tired of his verbal abuse and BS but didn't want to tell him that. I'd actively have to think that or I'd slip back into defending myself. So, for me, detaching from someone is not a normal thing obviously. Probably not for most people. Emotional detachment is so dangerous for relationships. But so is addiction.

cynical one

I posted something earlier today on detachment that may be helpful.

Detachment

SeriousKarma

I took a quick look and couldn't find it, but I think it may have been part of the Alanon welcome package that they often hand out to newcomers. I have a feeling most Alanon groups probably have them floating around. Maybe someone else here has seen it as well.

Torque,

As far as examples, Looking back I see that one of the early signs that I was beginning to detach was when I started sleeping with a fan on. My STBXAH and I were sleeping in separate bedrooms, but I had the habit of sleeping very lightly so that I could listen to whether or not he got up in the middle of the night. I felt the need to track his drinking, even though there was nothing I could do about it if he decide to go on a binge. I didn't see it at the time, but "allowing" myself to sleep fully, without feeling responsible for him, was a form of detachment.

Now, at this stage of our relationship, it's mostly in the form of me trying not to lecture him on how stupid his choices are.

LemonGirl

You know, I do think that detachment is particularly hard for codependent people. It almost feels like an extreme that shouldn't exist. But is it because others shouldn't be asking so much of us (the types of people we surround ourselves with), or is it because we shouldn't be doing so much for others? I have a sneaky suspicion that the healthy answer lies somewhere in the middle and may be different for each of us depending on our personal boundaries. And personal boundaries are so varied among us because of unique needs. I think it's difficult to express what exactly detachment looks like and is because of those differences.
Lately, as I try to figure out where to draw the line with my A mother whom I live with, I go back and forth with, "does she really need me to do this for her? Am I comfortable with it? Why can't she do it for herself?"

I decided I could change a lightbulb for her but show her how to do it, but that I won't be able to rearrange her bedroom furniture for her... too heavy. And from there the detachment becomes my ability to feel good about those choices regardless of her reactions. You know, the intrinsic guilt of saying no (or yes), and the possibility of over extending myself when I shouldn't. Lol.... writing this out I can see now that detachment is more being able to draw a line between where I begin and where the other person begins, and then not fretting or being swayed by others' reactions.

fluffyflea

When I ended up getting so hurt and angry I couldn't take it anymore...........

firebolt

When i first realized i was codependant. I panicked when i realized i was sick, and that made me turn most of my focus back to me. When i did that i became very aware of my own wants and needs...which naturally led me to not want to hang out with someone who is drunk. That might be ignoring...and that is fine with me. I'm not totally giving him the silent treatment, but trying to have a full on conversation with someone slurring and out of it and that won't even remember tomorrow is frustrating and unhealthy for me. I like to think about it more like me being a pinball machine bumper, interact just enough for him to bounce off me and onto something else...and then i can continue doing what makes me happy with minimal interaction with a drunk.

healthyagain

This might sound weird, but once my AH said "I know you do not love me anymore" I knew my detachment worked. I do not want to sleep in the same bed with him when he is drunk (which is every night now), I do not like to watch TV with him when he has his glass next to him, and I do not feel like feeding him every day. I never did this to punish him. I did this because I honestly never liked drunkards and I decided to stick to my principles. That "love" in "detachment with love" for me means "respect." I respect his choice and recognize that he is an adult responsible for his own choices and actions. Does he like this? Nope.

AliWProk

I probably was doing it in an unhealthy way before I left my XAH. I did ignore him, or act in passive-aggressive ways, until a friend clued me in to 1. He is an alcoholic, and 2. There is nothing I can do about it.

I did some reading, watched Intervention, and eventually had some frank talks with RA friends. I had it much easier, as I divorced him as soon as it got bad. I really can't imagine living like that long term. I don't think I could do it.

So i take good care of myself, my kid and my husband. I try not to think about my XAH. He has relapsed and so my boundary has kicked in - no contact until treatment completed. Further limited with kids until 1 year sober. Since it will probably never happen, I pretend he's already gone. In my mind, he is.

SeriousKarma

I found your response really interesting, and can kind of relate.

It made me remember how I use to struggle with the concept when my husband first moved out.

He would stop by most days, and I would usually offer him some food. He'd sit down for a bit and shoot the breeze. Maybe watch a bit of TV. Keep in mind, we weren't talking about getting back together, just two people with a shared history who got along, spending a small amount of time together. Besides, he was living in the barracks at the time, and his only option for food was chow-hall food.

Still, I struggled with this. I had just heard about this strange concept of "detachment" and was afraid I might be braking some unwritten rule. So I brought it up in Alanon one day and discussed it with the group there.

I decided that it worked for him, but more importantly it worked for me. I liked feeding him. I still do. If anyone walks into my house I want to offer them food and a place to sit. For me to not do that would be unnatural. I wasn't getting emotionally invested in it. I wasn't setting my clock by it, or crying if he didn't like the food, or kvetching if he didn't stay more than five minutes.

Was I enabling him by offering him our leftovers? No. He could feed himself, and did on the days when he didn't stop by. I did, however, ask that he not let himself into the house when I wasn't there without contacting me first. (Something he had been doing). I also asked that he put his cell phone away while there. (He had a tendency to text his girlfriends like a rabid teenager.) He agreed to both of these things without any question (though I think he did roll his eyes a bit regarding the cell phone. He's such a teenager). But those are more "boundaries" than "detachment" issues.

Detachment has play a major part, though, in how I've altered my conversations with him, and it started during that phase when he was coming by for meals.

I stopped harping on him about his drinking, and asking him if he was doing anything regarding his recovery. I stepped back, detached, and decided to focus on myself instead.

I haven't asked him about his drinking in probably over two years (wow!) and I'm better for it.