Much of your post resonates with me on various levels though I am the RAW (recovering alcoholic wife). I am much older and addiction hit in mid life so the situations are different on a number of levels. That said having hit my one year in recovery mark a month ago I have spent countless hours reading just about every memoir I could about those with addictions that beat the odds and though many had a relapse or so in the mix the memoirs I read were all written by those who managed to write them at least five years sober. I’ve also spent many hours trying to understand not only “my side” but the friends and family side. Two major themes I’ve seen:
-Alcoholics who get sober for other people either don’t stay sober or they are miserable dry drunks
-Most friends and family during the throws of active addiction “think” that they just want their s/o to get sober. Most friends and family actually want more than just sobriety, they want the person to engage in the process I’ll call self enlightenment. They want the addict to become emotionally mature. Read around these forums and see how many people are unhappy even when their loved one becomes sober because the addict never engaged in the process of true recovery/enlightenment/emotional maturity.
I do “get” where your husband is coming from. Sobriety or the front door is a powerful motivator. It however is not terribly helpful in the long run for getting #2 which is the addict becoming self motivated. I internally screamed to myself a thousand times over the past year “I’m sober now what MORE do you want?” For me stuffing away emotions was probably the #1 cause of my addiction and getting sober didn’t change in one tiny way what had triggered it in the first place.
That said you can lay out boundaries, active addiction is not acceptable. Unfortunately the rest of it is out of your hands. You can’t MAKE somebody want to be sober for themselves. You can’t make somebody desire true emotional maturity. At the year mark my recovery group “called me” on my motivations and I had to recommit to sobriety but this time for ME. I did it and when I did that the floodgates finally opened to true recovery and the emotional space to mature on other levels. Today in fact was the first day I was around people drinking wine and I abstained because I wanted to (yeah me!).
What all of this leads back to is what the rest of the kind folks have said. Work on yourself, that’s all you can do. Get your ducks in line for your plans and choices should he relapse. I would be forthright however with your husband if you haven’t already and let him know you’re worried. Heck I went through an outpatient rehab and I saw tons of people lapsing IN rehab, no wonder people are guarded, for very good reasons! Won’t change a thing but at least you’ll have your piece on the table. Personally I wouldn't even BEGIN to start trusting an addict until they have a full year on the table dry. Honestly I also think that a lot of the recovery friends and family want doesn't really happen until the addict has learned the mechanics of living day to day life without alcohol, through holidays, through parties, through stress, etc.
The bigger picture issues in your marriage are pretty overwhelming. Take one day at a time, focus on yourself and the rest will be revealed in time. Though I have opted for a non twelve step program for my own recovery my hubbie is very active in Al-Anon and has grown immensely as a result.
peace